So the summer went along smoothly, we celebrated our 1yr anniversary, me meeting the kids, I meet his ex-wife, things were great, Except for that little nagging voice in the back of my head that thanks to my Mom got louder and louder every day. I should let you all know that I have a kept a journal over the years, actually since I was about 15 yrs old, so that is how I remember things and what I didn't write in it I ask Charlie or the kids they have been a great help and I enjoy listening to them tell stories of the "good ole days". The other night Charlie and I went on a date, we do that once a week sometimes more now that kids are older and gone off to college or working. I get all dressed up so does he, well as much as he dresses up he is a T-shirt kinda guy, so he puts on a collared shirt and cologne for me, so cute. I needed help with a few things because the time lines seemed so quick, I was sure I had written things wrong, I did not.. It didn't seem so quick then and maybe it really isn't, but looking back, we meet in 1997, moved in together in 1998, moved to Peabody together in 1999, got engaged in 2000 and married in 2001, crazy! We talked about the early stages of our relationship how easy and simple things had been. I was having a hard time remembering a few dates so he was helping me, talking about it all was fun and it made us both realize just how lucky we have been.
Anyway, the fall came the kids went back to school, weekends got busy with bowling and homework and just the general routine. It got a little harder. In the beginning Charlie's wrist had been broken so he was out of work for a while and he had been staying with me, so we had all the time in the world together. Now I had meet the kids, he was back to work, we didn't live together anymore and we were busy. There were so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn't want to push, not just for him but for me. I thought daily about taken on the responsibility of someone else's children and ex-husband, I mean I had an ex, but we didn't have kids and we were young and stupid and hurt each other for no reason. What was this going to be like? Would his Ex like me? I had a problem, I needed for people to like me, I would do things to make sure they did.. Obnoxious, yes. Have I changed yes. This however at this time was a big concern. I think I let it consume my thoughts and it was affecting how I was acting, This is were both Charlie and I are fuzzy we think it was early October, we went into Boston for dinner and it was strained, the good thing was we above all else were always able to talk and communicate really well. So he wanted to know what I was thinking but wasn't saying....to this day he might be a little sorry he asked that questions, lol. The flood gates opened and every rational or irrational thought I had since that conversation with my mother came out, I couldn't stop, I brought up marriage, love, living together (again) his divorce, the kids schedules, what my role would be, I went on and on and on, I think at some point I even started to cry. He took my hand looked at me and said it, "I love you" I gasped.....this was not how I wanted to hear those words, in the middle of a break down, am I doing this really??? Trying to stop my head for wanting the "soap-opera" version of those 3 words, I smiled and said it back. We ate the rest of our meal in silence. One the subway ride home at first we were quite, thinking about all that I had said, what he said. Finally we talked, he is so level headed and reassuring that I felt myself relax and no matter what I knew it would all be ok. He said, he didn't want to get married and I agreed that I didn't either. He knew he did love me, but was that enough, it hadn't been for him before and he didn't want to be hurt again. I agreed but already felt he was trying to be a better man a better father, which for me made me love him more. He was broken to some point and I had been as well, we were good for each other, more than love, we needed each other. We choose to keep it light and just have fun! I could live with this (for now) the voice in my head was telling me I wanted more, but I knew how to keep her silent.......well at least for a while, my Mom, well...that was going to be tough.
I think it was sometime in November his divorce/mediation began and I asked him to move back in he did, I was happy. In my head still crazy, but that was fading as I was enjoying every moment with him and the kids. When they stayed with us on weekends at my apartment, it was just the 5 of us, we played video games, watched movies, it was like the outside world didn't exist, at least I liked to pretend it didn't. His kids were so easy to love and funny, I was falling hard and fast.
One night Charlie came home from a Mediation session and said to me "how do you feel about moving to Peabody" so it begins..........
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