Changes Part 2~ Disney Days

As we walk towards Cinderella's castle, I could barely contain my excitement.  I have a smile across my face,  that even if I wanted to I am not sure I could make it go away. The kids are laughing, they can't believe how excited I am.  We walk in and tell the royal hostess we are there for our 5:30 reservation.  The great room is filled with people and I am in awe of how beautiful the setting is, I sit and listen to the names being called and everyone is announced as "The Royal Family" I can't wait!  Bethany sits on my lap and we are all chatting, the elevator dings and out walks the Fairy godmother, she is saying hello and greeting everyone, Charlie says "look Lis, look who it is" I clearly don't care.  Another ding and Prince Charming walks out, although I am with the real Prince Charming, I  smile, I am impatiently waiting  to go up stairs, I can't wait to see Cinderella and tell her how much I love her, yeah I know she isn't real, but for me she was. I was 8 and my parents were getting divorced, she made me smile, I clung to her story of "happily ever after", it gave me hope, silly as it seems, it got me through a very difficult time.  Talking with Bethany and the boys, I am thinking that it doesn't get better than this, the elevator dings again, there she is, in all her glory, more beautiful than I ever imagined, without a thought in my head I stand, Bethany falling of my lap and slides across the marble floor, I look but it doesn't really register, I am now running to get to the front of the line, hip checking little girls as I go, okay, not my proudest moment but I have lost all rational thought at this point, I am 8 and I am going to meet Cinderella.  The look on the character's face should have told me to slow down, although smiling she had a look of "what is this crazy woman doing" by this time Bethany had gotten up and the 4 of them were hysterical laughing a little of OMG mixed in and and trying to pretend they did not know me. 

I get to her and try to explain how she has impacted my life in such a profound way , she is nodding and saying "that's nice dear" trying to move me along, I however won't be rushed, this is my moment.  Good God, over the years I have listened to Charlie and the kids repeat this story, funny as it is, I wonder why he did not walk but run away hop on a plane home and never look back.  As things settle down she stands near the fireplace and you can line up for pictures, YES by God I am getting a picture.  Not gonna lie,  I went to Disney with my girlfriends a few years before this and I waited in line for 1 hour to get my picture with Cinderella.  My friends walked past me several times, they also pretended not to know me!

The line begins to form and I am talking to little girls who are also very excited and a little apprehensive  towards me, the only  "grown-up"  in the line.  Not a care in the world, I wait, at this point I ask Beth to join me, she does and so do the boys.  When we get up to her, she has Bethany sit next to her and me stand (see picture below) I am pushed to the side, I am not happy, but it is still Cinderella!

We are called "The Royal Sylvester Family" technically I am not a Sylvester, but I like the sound of it!  I am apologizing to Bethany, but they just think they whole thing is hysterical and are loving it, she doesn't even care.  Charlie is looking at me and I think he final gets how much this all really means to me , Or he thinks I am completely crazy, either way I can't stop smiling"  The room was just how I had always imagined it would be, the servers all dressed in royal fashion I am on cloud nine!     Mid way through the dinner, I hear that familiar ding of the elevator, the door opens and out steps Cinderella and Prince Charming, I gasp and wave frantically at my favorite couple they wave back and it looks like she mumbles something to him, Charlie is positive she was telling him "there she is the crazy one"  we all laughed and watched her float around the room. When we left I couldn't help feel like this was the start of my happily ever after, it will always be one of my favorite memories.  

Onto the next day and Epcot oy!  Charlie loves, loves, loves Epcot and he had a whole day planned, the 4 of us however were not as enthusiastic to say the least! Looking back we all feel bad, but it doesn't change the day, we have promised him that if we every get back there again, we will all be better participators.  The day was long and he pretty much had to drag us from place to face, seeing the uninterested expressions and the occasional yawn.  He gave up, pouted and asked what "we people" wanted to do, we all had different ideas, back to the pool, shop, The presidents Hall, ice cream, and Dan said he'd stay at Epcot, always the "pleaser" to this day!   The President hall and ice cream won. 

As we waited in line, I was trying to cheer Charlie up, I think Epcot may have been his Cinderella, just saying.  I leaned in and kissed him and BAM!!!! Kicked in the leg, it hurt! Bethany looking rather pleased with herself had kicked me, I said to Charlie "did you see that, she kicked me" already not in a good mood, he grabbed Bethany by the back of her neck scolding her, and then me, people were staring and Bethany and I were both crying, I looked at her and picked her up and held her tight, telling her it would be ok, her crying made me cry more and Charlie and the boys moved away from us.  When we went to our seats, Bethany stayed with me and we held hands.  After the show, I spoke to Charlie defending, Bethany, her and I sat and had a little heart to heart, I felt like that was the turning point for my relationship with her, we had bonded. To this day we both agree that, that was the moment that changed everything.. Later that day Charlie won a big stuffed animal of the Lion King's Simba, looking at both us girls, Bethany and I decided we would share it!

Our last day at the park, the kids were able to pick a ride, at anyway park that they wanted to go on, we went back and forth and forth and back and forth, I was tired and I said to Charlie "this is just not done, we should stay at one place do all the rides and then move on, all this back and forth is crazy, I would never have been allowed to do this". Charlie laughed and said this is what they will remember, just because our parents wouldn't have done it, doesn't mean it isn't a good idea. He was right, usually is, when we talk about that trip, they remembered that, oh yeah and dinner at Cinderella's Castle.

The rest of the trip was pretty  uneventful, well except for the fact that Dan, may or may not have seen me naked, to this day we are still not sure and he will not talk about it!! The bathrooms in the condo were weird, the shower was in one part and the toilet was in another, separated by a master bedroom, I got out of the shower one night walked into the bedroom, covered only in the front by a tiny towel, and all I heard, was "um, I'm in here" I jumped against the wall, wiggled out and shut door,  got dressed quickly and yelled for Charlie, Tom and Beth came as well.  I told them what had happen, praying Dan wasn't now blind!  He came out, seemed no worse off, but pale, ah damn!!  He saw me... we figured we wouldn't make a big deal, but he always knocks nowadays.

All in all for my first trip with kids, it was a great time, we all survived! 

Changes~

So, he asked me to move to Peabody with him? What if anything did this mean?  Could I move, did I want to move?  I had lived in the same house for my entire life.  Born there, lived with my parents, moved to the 3rd floor with my first husband, which I am not sure how to clarify that, our marriage was annulled so does that mean I was living in sin? Not sure about that one.  Hopefully I wont' have to answer for that at the pearly gates someday.  After that I lived alone for a bit and then with a roommate for 6 or 7 years,  to say we had a ball would be an understatement, we by far had some of the greatest times!    We are still friends to this day!

 

As he stood in front of me, looking at me for an answer, my mind was racing.  "Yes" blurted out of my mouth, I however had one condition, I wanted to make a few cosmetic  changes.  Like I had said before I had some money saved, so I was happy to contribute to our home.  Not exactly sure when we would be moving, we had some time to plan.  I had time to calm my nerves. I think this happened in February.  Round about  May or so  we received a call that is ex-wife had found a home and would be moving in August, this would time out perfectly, as we were taking the kids to Disney, in August, which would be my first trip with children. A fact that did seem like a big deal, but it was. So she could move while we were away and that would be less traumatic for the kids.  Then we would do what we needed to do and move in a month or so  later,  perfect! 

 

As time marched on I was preoccupied with the Disney trip and all the plans for the house, I was a little over enthusiastic  to say the least, telling Bethany all the changes I was going to make, this upset her and I was asked to dial it back a little.  I was sad and so happy all at the same time.  I never stopped to think about what this all meant to the kids, I mean the boys seemed fine with everything so did Beth, but silently she was upset.  Then I went to the other extreme of not talking about it at all in front of them, I truly have no "happy-medium" I am either balls to wall or I shut down completely!  I am so much better at that now, years of therapy!  I then tired to included them in the remodel plans, that worked a little better, still being very careful with Bethany.

 

What helped me, was thinking about how things my parents did, affected me, I tired to apply that at all times dealing with the kids, sometimes it worked sometimes it was epic fail.   I tried to pick up on the little things, one time Charlie went to kiss me and the look of horror that came across Bethany's face told me this was not a good idea and they weren't ready to see their Dad kiss another woman, I playful pushed Charlie away and filled him in later.  He defaulted to me for advice in this area as he had nothing to go by.  I really wanted to do what was right and make the kids as comfortable with me as possible, I wasn't going anywhere, there was no need to rush.  

 

I had even asked Charlie if I could take them to the movies without him, give us a little bonding time.  We had allot of fun, even Bethany who was turning out to be my toughest critic, who knew?   I guess I did, I knew what it felt like, on some level I was still 8 yrs old when it came to my Dad,  I wanted his attention, to walk and hold his hand to be "daddy's little girl" always, still to this day.   I tired to think before I did things, I tired to act how I wish things were with me.  I even planed special things for just me and Bethany, I took her to get her nails done and shopping, although at that time she wasn't your typical "girly-girl" she still seemed to enjoy it and now it is one of my favorite things we still do together! 

 

Just an example in April of 1999, Bethany had told me she wanted me to take her to school one day so that I could see her school, I loved this!!!  I only worked 4 days a week, so on my day off I got up early drove to Charlie's Ex's house to find Bethany crying, she wanted her Mom to take her and felt bad I came over, I think she felt torn...so his Ex and I both took her to school and she bounced away happy. I realized that day, that whatever was going to be best for the kids I would do, well within reason. I even ended up being able to take Bethany to get her ears pierced, it was just the little things, I wanted to show her she was important, I wanted all of them to know.  Being a girl I knew it was going to the hardest for her.  I guess that is why I feel my situation growing up was going to help me and my relationship with them, fate.  

 

I didn't have much to pack, but I had never moved before, I don't think 1st floor to 3rd floor counts.  I was  trying to be supper organized , getting rid of a ton of things, Charlie was impressed and very happy I was excited about the move. The hardest part was telling my Mom, as happy as she was for me, her and I had always been together, we even worked at the same hospital. We have had some great times, I was always right there  for her and her for me. This was going to be an adjustment for both if us.  My apartment had always been my safety net, it was my home, others could come and go, piss me off and I could ask them to leave... men, friends it didn't matter I always felt secure.   My mother, took great pride in pointing this out to me, great pride.  Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mother, who has given me everything I have ever wanted or need and unconditional love.  But nothing would have made her happier than me staying with her forever!  

 

Things slowed down with the move and geared up for Disney, everyone was excited about that.... packing for 5 people, for 7 days was proving to be a bit of a challenge, but I was up for it and having fun. I suppose I should explain that when I went to Disney when I was 7, my mother and I wore matching outfits, yes matching outfits and my Dad was color coordinated with our outfits.  Yes, I was trying to do this for our trip!  I know, I know crazy!  

 

We took hand held games for the kids to play in lines so they wouldn't get bored, Charlie had done lots of research and our trip was mapped out, we were ready.  I had a feeling that Beth and I would only want to sit with Charlie just as we had at Canobie Lake last summer, so I was going to try really hard not to be a brat!   We stayed at a condo in Disney's Old Key West, I had a friend who's parents had a time-share and we got a great deal.  Yes, I had done my best to have us all in kind of matching outfits, I laid out the kids cloths everyday... by Tuesday,  I had lost control and the kids dressed themselves and I literally had a mini-melt down, I looked at Charlie and said "those aren't the outfits I put out" his reply was "who cares" I pouted.  He had to "speak" to me, I explained how things were down when I was a kid and that I had never been on vacation with kids before and I was trying to keep order, he laughed and said "wow, I never even gave that a thought, you are such a natural with them"  He explained to me that vacation needed to be fun and Disney was stressful enough without the added pressure of clothing matching, we all laugh about it now, but back then I was a freak!

 

Our trip was going great, we were having a ball but, when holding hands with Charlie, Beth would ask to be carried, yes she always wanted to sit with Charlie, once in a while me.  This time I understood more and hung back a bit and watched them together, almost making me cry, happy tears I loved them all and I loved who he was as a father.

 

Charlie did something so wonderful for me, he booked a dinner at Cinderella's Castle!  I was beyond thrilled, I mean being a princess myself, it was perfect.  Little back story, also growing up my mother read to me every night the only story I wanted to hear was Cinderella, I wanted to be Cinderella, technically I was every year for Halloween until I was oh 30!  My room was all decorated like Cinderella's castle, I had it all , everything baby blue and silver and I had a canopy bed, I also had silver slippers and a tiara I wore everywhere! I loved it.   This dinner was so special to me however, the events that unfolded no one was ready for. 

 

Call me Crazy~

So the summer went along smoothly,  we celebrated our 1yr anniversary, me meeting the kids, I meet his ex-wife, things were great,  Except for that little nagging voice in the back of my head that thanks to my Mom got louder and louder every day.  I should let you all know that I have a kept a journal over the years, actually since I was about 15 yrs old, so that is how I remember things and what I didn't write in it I ask Charlie or the kids they have been a great help and I enjoy listening to them tell stories of the "good ole days".  The other night Charlie and I went on a date, we do that once a week sometimes more now that kids are older and gone off to college or working.  I get all dressed up so does he, well as much as he dresses up he is a T-shirt kinda guy, so he puts on a collared shirt and cologne for me, so cute. I needed help with a few things because the time lines seemed so quick, I was sure I had written things wrong, I did not..  It didn't seem so quick then and maybe it really isn't, but looking back, we meet in 1997, moved in together in 1998, moved to Peabody together in 1999, got engaged in 2000 and married in 2001, crazy!   We talked about the early stages of our relationship how easy and simple things had been.  I was having a hard time remembering a few dates so he was helping me, talking about it all was fun and it made us both realize just how lucky we have been.

Anyway, the fall came the kids went back to school, weekends got busy with bowling and homework and just the general routine.  It got a little harder.  In the beginning Charlie's wrist had been broken so he was out of work for a while and he had been staying with me, so we had all the time in the world together.   Now I had meet the kids, he was back to work, we didn't live together anymore and we were busy.   There were so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn't want to push, not just for him but for me.  I thought daily about taken on the responsibility of someone else's children and ex-husband, I mean I had an ex, but we didn't have kids and we were young and stupid and hurt each other for no reason.  What was this going to be like?  Would his Ex like me?  I had a problem, I needed for people to like me, I would do things to make sure they did.. Obnoxious, yes.  Have I changed yes.  This however at this time was a big concern.  I think I  let it consume my thoughts and it was affecting how I was acting,   This is were both Charlie and I are fuzzy we think it was early October, we went into Boston for dinner and it was strained, the good thing was we above all else were always able to talk and communicate really well.   So he wanted to know what I was thinking but wasn't saying....to this day he might be a little sorry he asked that questions, lol.  The flood gates opened and every rational or irrational thought I had since that conversation with my mother came out, I couldn't stop, I brought up marriage, love, living together (again) his divorce, the kids schedules, what my role would be, I went on and on and on, I think at some point I even started to cry.  He took my hand looked at me and said it, "I love you" I gasped.....this was not how I wanted to hear those words, in the middle of a break down, am I doing this really???  Trying to stop my head for wanting the "soap-opera" version of those 3 words, I smiled and said it back.  We ate the rest of our meal in silence.  One the subway ride home at first we were quite, thinking about all that I had said, what he said.  Finally we talked, he is so level headed and reassuring that I felt myself relax and no matter what I knew it would all be ok.  He said, he didn't want to get married and I agreed that I didn't either.  He knew he did love me, but was that enough, it hadn't been for him before and he didn't want to be hurt again.  I agreed but already felt he was trying to be a better man a better father, which for me made me love him more.   He was broken to some point and I had been as well, we were good for each other,  more than love, we needed each other.  We choose to keep it light and just have fun!  I could live with this (for now) the voice in my head was telling me I wanted more, but I knew how to keep her silent.......well at least for a while, my Mom, well...that was going to be tough.

I think it was sometime in November his divorce/mediation began and I asked him to move back in he did, I was happy.  In my head still crazy, but that was fading as I was enjoying every moment with him and the kids.  When they stayed with us on weekends at my apartment, it was just the 5 of us, we played video games, watched movies, it was like the outside world didn't exist, at least I liked to pretend it didn't.  His kids were so easy to love and funny, I was falling hard and fast.

One night Charlie came home from a Mediation session and said to me "how do you feel about moving to Peabody" so it begins..........

Our little world~

I was so happy, happier than I had ever been.  I loved this man, he made me laugh, he accepted me for who I was, I meant enough to him for him to introduce me into the lives of his children.  We were having a great summer, sleepovers, movies, Saturday's at our friends pool it was great. I felt part of something, a family they all made it so easy. 

One day we made plans to go to the beach, I was going to meet them all as my Mom needed a ride later in the day so I was going to leave early.  We went to Nahant with kites, buckets, shovels, balls, umbrellas, sunscreen and we even packed drinks and a lunch, this was odd to me who needed this much stuff? For me it was towel, chair, lotion, book, radio..... ah the simple things.  Well, Charlie told me when you go to the beach with kids you need to bring things to entertain them.  Um?  Okay, this is the day I learned Charlie prepares for everything! He makes list, double checks them gets as much as he can ready the night before.  sidenote: nowadays, I make a list and I love how prepared he is.

In my mind, I am laughing and thinking he is crazy, then again I have NEVER been to the beach with kids before, maybe once, maybe.   We were ready and off to the beach we went.  I think it took a 1/2hr or so to get everything to our spot and settled.  I positioned my chair perfectly to the sun and I sat down, lotion on, bring on the tan.  seconds, later voices yell "come to the water" "lets fly kites" "can we look for shells?" I am thinking what is this?  The beach is for relaxing.... seeing the panic on my face Charlie takes my hand and says "this is what a day at the beach is like with kids, glad you came?"  I smiles, I was!  We had a great day of  playing in waves laughing talking, teasing it was fun.  I didn't care that I didn't get to sit in the sun, I liked playing games and digging  a big hole and covering the kids in sand...then it was my turn...boy, did I have sand everywhere, but I was happy.

It came time for me to leave, I had to go get my Mom, the kids were sad I had to go.  I packed up the few things I had laughing that my simple days at the beach might just be behind me for a while.   Walking back to my car, not sure what made me stop and look back I was pretty far, but I could see Charlie and the boys and they seemed frantic..... I looked in front of me on the beach by a life guard station and there she was in her little pink and yellow bathing suit, crying trying to get the life guards attention.  I dropped everything and began to run to her, calling her name "Bethany" she looked and she began to run to me, she lept into my arms crying and holding on for dear life.  I was walking back towards Charlie calling out to him he finally saw me and came running with the boys.  Beth then lept from me to him.  She had been chasing seagulls and lost her way.  He was relived I had seen her, so was I.  Walking back to where I dropped everything which luckily enough a little old couple walking along had seen me, and Beth and they stayed with my things until I came back, I was very grateful. 

Looking back again I see them all Beth holding her Dads hand and the boys running in a circle around them.  I smile and feel such a sense of contentment.  I had something pretty special here.  I picked up my Mom, late and filled her in on the days events.... she says "your gonna make a good stepmom".  Stop it I say, I am not ready for that, we have only been dating a year.   He's not divorced yet, I don't want to get married again, do I?  Amazing how our parents can say the simplest thing to us and it sends our minds in a gazillion  directions, or maybe that is just my Mom.

 Later that night I find out this isn't the first run in with seagulls Beth has had, poor thing.  She gave me a big hug the next time she saw me, and told me all about how she was lost and then she heard me calling her, I loved that it was me that found her, I loved her. 

The summer went on with lots of fun and beach days and I found myself looking forward to every moment.  I was scared as hell as well.  What if this didn't work.  Gosh I would loose them all.  This was different than any relationship I had been in.  Was my mother right? Would I be a good stepmother?  What did that mean? What did a stepmom do?  I mean I had one, but they lived in California and my parents didn't get along so me spending time with them was never an option.  Did Charlie want to get married again, Christ he wasn't divorced yet, we hadn't even talked like that.  We didn't even say "I love you", well I did...epic fail never to be said again! Well, he was gonna say it first, this time! I didn't want to get remarried, or did I?   Yup, one little conversation with my Mom and I had gone off the deep end!

I needed some time with Andrea, my best friend, she would help always does. Even to this day she keeps me sane.   We went out and talked and I felt better although she agreed I was putting my heart out there for a potential crush.

Moving right along~

So, with the first meeting under my belt, feeling pretty confident and secure in our relationship.  We were now able to spend more and more time together and Charlie began including me in plans with the kids, very casually.  If they made plans to go to the beach, or a movie Charlie would suggest " hey lets call Lisa. see if she wants to come"  of course I was ready and able to go, we thought we were out smarting them but years later we found out they had us figured out!  He had the kids almost every weekend so it was great that I could now be included. It could only add to what we were building.

Not only was a falling more in love with Charlie, but now the 3 kids had captured my heart in a way I never thought  possible.  They were like a breathe of fresh air, always happy always full of stories and energy, I loved being around all of them.  I admired Charlie so much for his dedication to his children, no matter what they always came first!  This was okay with me, I think it made me love him even more.  My parents got divorced when I was 8.  My Mom made it difficult for my Dad to see me and he gave up,  I missed him, he missed out on so much in my life.  She blamed him, he blamed her, in the end I suffered because of it.  We have all talked through it....my Dad and I are closer now, at times when I am with him I feel like I am 8yrs old all over again and I want him all to myself!  I am also lucky to have a stepmother and a sister that I adore.  I wish we all had more time together, but we make the best with what we do have.  Facebook has been great for really keeping in touch.  With my family history I guess that worked to Charlie's benefit..it is what I wished I had with my Dad.  I was never going to "whine" about him spending time with the kids, not that Charlie would have ever dated anyone that was like that.  Sometimes as corny as it seems, I think t was fate that brought us all together. 

I was having a ball getting to know the kids.  It was adding so much to my life.  Maybe this was my plan, maybe I was meant to be with Charlie and his kids.  We did all sorts of thing together, the relationships were easy.  Bethany was a little tough to get close to she was like me wanted her Daddy all to herself, I got that on a rational level, but my heart somethimes acted like I was 8! I needed to get my emotions under control, I was being silly.  

This is a picture from Canobie Lake ~ It became clear to me on that day at Canobie Lake Park, that Bethany was going  to be a challenge. We were all having a great time!  One of Charlie's friends and his niece and nephew came with us and because I liked all the rides I was a big hit! I was trying to spend most of my time with Bethany, look at her, she is so cute!  Ever time we got in line for a ride she would ask to sit with her Daddy, I would give in and move back.  This did not make me happy, I tired a different approach I would ask to sit with her. She would say"yes" but as we got closer she would change her mind.  Dan would offer to sit with me, Tom wasn't a big fan of rides back then.  He liked the games.  Either way I never got to sit with Charlie, can you hear the pouty child in my voice.  It was a long day and near the end the kids were running ahead of us and Charlie and I strolled along holding hands.  Bethany stopped and looking back turned around and said "Daddy I am tired can you carry me"  He did.. I pouted again she looked back at me and stuck out her tongue....what? Oh this little one was good.  I wanted to talk to Charlie but how was it going to sound.."your daughter stuck her tongue out at me", he would talk to her and she would resent me.  I need to be the grown up I was supposed to be!  I igonored it.   Little girls loved me, she would as well...maybe not today, but she would.  I would make sure of it, Charlie was worth it and quite frankly so was she!  I tired to put myself in her shoes, it was pretty easy... I was her 23yrs ago... I am sure I did some of the same things to my stepmother!  Overall feeling great about how the day went Charlie asked the kids if they wanted to stay at my apartment that night, I was very very nervous about this.  Charlie and I had talked about it, we had talked about him moving back in eventually and getting the kids used to the idea.  I was worried about what they would think, him sleeping in my room...I didn't want to upset them, thinking of how it made me feel back then I probably over thought the whole thing.  They all wanted to.  We had a great night watching movies, we got pizza and when  it came time for bed theY settled on the sofa and in sleeping bags and we just went to my room, no one said anything... yup, I worried too much.   A few years ago Danny and I talked about that first sleep over and I asked him what he tought and he very logically said, "where else was he gonna sleep, we had the sofa that was the only bed" simple no explanation.  All that worring I did for nothing.

It's the little things~

Something a little different today.  Today I must say was a great day!  My week has been crazy, work, visiting Mom and I had family over and a Patriots preseason game to go to.  I was looking forward to the week also thinking how I was going to get everything else I needed to do done.  On Monday rushing from work to see my Mom and in my head thinking about what I was going to make for dinner, I stopped to take a deep breathe and regroup before I walked into her room.  Our visit started off the usual way, "how was your day Mom?" She says "ok" she asks me if work was busy. We make small talk, mostly becasue we talk 3 or 4 times during the day.  She calls every morning at about 7:15am just to tell me she loves me, I look forward to that call everyday.

I can tell something is different today she seems sad.  Do I dare ask? She has a hard time speaking these days and when I have to ask her to repeat herself  I can see the frustration or her face.  I worry about the day she won't be able to speak anymore and really pray it never comes.  I can't leave knowing something might be wrong so I move in close, tell her to speak slow and I ask what's wrong?  I am not prepared for what she said next. She said, "I am so sad I will never see the beach or the moon again" she tears up a little and I take her hand. I say sorry for all she is going through.

Over the past year, I have tired to find a balance between work, home, friends and Mom.  Some times I have felt like I have it all under control, other times I feel like I fail.  I am so lucky to have Charlie and the kids, they have all gone over and above to help with everything. I am not sure they will ever know how much I love and appreciate them.  For me, I have been dealing with the state, insurance companies, attorneys, and some less than caring family, keeping it all from my Mom no need to have her worry.   My main focus was making her comfortable and making sure she had what she needed.  I guess I was also feeling sorry for myself, how hard this was on me.  Never even stopped to  thinking about the little things she had lost. 

At that moment I knew that Friday we were going to the beach.  I didn't say anything to her just in case something came up.   I got home Monday and shared the story with Charlie he agreed I should do whatever possible to make that happen.  Tuesday, I over slept I was late for work and my day was long.  Rushing I went to see my Mom who was also having a "bad day" no particular reason.  Leaving there I was looking forward to some quite time at home, Charlie was working, that meant take-out!! No cooking, yippee!   I got home and did a few things, hung out with the boys and before I knew it, it was 10:30!!  I went to bed and had a horrible dream, that was the first time I woke up.  Them I heard the rain and thunder and knew right then I wasn't getting much sleep.  My cell phone rang at 11:20, funny how he knows so well that I would be awake.  He wanted to tell me about an e-mail, something that added stress to both our day.  We talked for a while and we both felt better.  I fell back asleep, at midnight I woke up again, having a "funny feeling" about one of the kids... Tom was home, Dan wasn't, Bethany as far as I knew was at her Mom's. I talked with Tom for a bit, he reminds me of Charlie so much, he was great at calming me down. I must say I real enjoyed our talk.  I felt better and went back to bed, I did ask him to have Danny check in with me.  I layed there awake thinking, Dan finally checked in at 12:20ish, laughing at me, I felt better knowing he was home. But I was still not able to sleep lying awake thinking about everything!  At 1:09am, I heard a noise, I opened my bedroom door to see Beth in her room crying.  She had a terrible ride in the rain and was pretty upset.  I stayed up with her until she calmed down, about 2am.  Needless to say at 5:30am when the alarm went off, I was not ready for the day.

Wednesday went by pretty quick for being as tired as I was.  I went to visit Mom. I was rushing my visit as I was in a hurry to get home, our niece was comming at 6:30 and we were all heading out.  I was looking forward to  family time! I was also feeling a bit guilty, I  knew I wouldn't see Mom Thursday, cause I was going to the PATS game, and yes I was tired and talking myself out of the beach on Friday and opting for sleep.

Wednesday night was great, we had a bal.  Second wind kicked in and I was drinking, laughing and having fun.  We got back to the house and all sat in the kitchen, more drinks and talking and laughing.  I must say times like these truely are some of my favorite.  In my head I was still wavering on the Friday beach.  Sleep was looking so good.  Plus boy, did I have laundry to do!  I had to get up a little early Thursday Charlie was leaving for his golf weekend and I needed to pack for him before I left for work and I had my things to get ready for the PATS game, as I was leaving right from work...thinking about it was making me exhausted! (yes, I can be a drama queen)

Thursday was a stressful day at work and rather than get up early, I had over slept. Got Charlie packed, but I forgot some things I wanted to bring to the PATS game. Even though I was running late, I was going to miss Charlie and lingered at home for a little longer, late again.  I was also annoyed at myself cause I was letting an e-mail Charlie got from his ex bother me. It was a long day and I think part of me was hoping my friend would cancel. She didn't, I knew we would have fun, so I really was glad to go.    Driving to her house my mood was better, but in my head I was not getting up Friday, we would do it another time.   2hrs in traffic lots of  girl tak and advice and we arrived at Gillette, I felt my spirt lift.    This was gonna be a good night! we had fun!  Geting home at 11:30, ready for bed! But  Bethany came in and we began talking, then Dan came in we stayed up til 12:45ish.  They knew about my beach plan and Dan said he would come to the beach with us and Bethany wanted to go but she had to work, I was tired. YUP beach was definetly canceled. I would do it another time.

Friday, I forget to shut the alarm off and it goes off at 5:30, what??  I shut it off and roll over, I start to think about all the scarfies my Mom made for me over the years, was my sleep really more important than taking her to the beach?  I was trying to fall  back alseep, with so mcuh going through my mind that was not going to happen.  At 8am I got up, started laundry and got myself together and called my Mom.  I said "hey, wanna go to the beach?" She said "really, yeah."  I went to wake up Dan, but he didn't move and I think deep down I wanted to do this alone.  I picked her up and she told everyone she was off to the beach.  Convertible top down off we went.   We stoped and got tea and a donut. I was pleasntly surprised that I didn't have to pay to park at Devereux beach, although it would have been worth it!   We got to the picnic bench and she sat and looked up and smiled, like I have not seen in a long time. She told me she wanted to walk to the water, I got her up, held her tight and we walked, I could see people looking at us, I could see the sadness they felt for us.  She stopped as we got closer to the water and she began to cry, so did I. We stood there crying, I looked up at the water, the sound of the waves her tears, my tears.. at that moment nothing else mattered, I knew what was really important in life, the stress of the week seemed to almost lift off me, it was something I had never felt. I was so happy to be able to do this with her.   We just sat there in silence listening to waves, holding hands, it was a bitter sweet moment that I will cherish forever and I feeling I hope I can hold onto.  I am so happy I din't give into my week.  We stayed for an 1hr 1/2 and for the first time in a long time, she seemed happy.  I took her back got her settled gave her a kiss and when I went to leave she said, "Thank you, I love you so much Lisa".....I said I love you Mom.

I think in life we are given opportunities to grow and change and become better people.  I think caring for my dying mother has changed me, I feel like I am a better person, don't get me wrong I back slide sometimes.  But days like today remind what is really about, the little things.  

The Bonkers night and Bethany's mall take of me~

In my blog "wanna meet the kids" I told you all a story of a run-in at the mall with Charlie and the kids, I gave you my point of view and I told you of the story Bethany wrote about the same unofficial meeting, before I shared it, I just want to check with her, she said it was fine to share .....so here it is! Hysterical!
Bethany's take~
A year after my Mom and Dad announced the divorce; I was out with my Dad getting our weekly lunch at the North Shore Mall. I sat with my brothers and my friend Kelly, eating my chicken nugget Happy Meal in the food court. I joked and laughed with my brothers as we all played with our toys we got from McDonalds. Every once in a while, I would look around the busy mall and watch hectic shoppers rush by me. As I looked up, I see my Dad wave to a woman from across the food court. The woman walked over and hugged my Dad. My brothers and I watched in confusion as my Dad hugged and talked with this stranger. My Dad looks over to us smiling and yells over the noise of the mall: “Hey guys! I want you to meet someone!” The stranger strutted her stuff as she walked over to introduce herself. She was a little larger woman, with a great smile and expensive clothes. She had all the confidence in the world, but all I noticed was her 80’s hair and obnoxious red lipstick. “Kids, this is my friend Lisa,” said my Dad. “Hey guys, how are you?! It’s really nice to finally meet you!” This woman spoke like my brothers and I were some sort of celebrities. She was over-excited and continued to be over perky and over complimented everything about us. Not impressed, I continued to play with my Happy Meal toy and simply replied, “Hi.” She stayed and talked with my Dad and his friend for a few more minutes, and I glared at her for, what felt like, hours. I watched her every move and how she stared at my Dad and giggled like a little girl at everything he said. I knew that Lisa was not just my Dad’s "friend"
Back to the blog~
Even now, years later to read this makes me chuckle, she was dead-on...so perceptive at such a young age.
So the official meeting came in late February early March 1998, Charlie and I talked about it, my parents being divorced I remembered meeting my stepmother and feeling strange and unease.  I didn't want that for Charlie's kids.  I came up with the idea to bring my Goddaughter she was a year younger than Bethany and adored me, so I though perfect ice breaker.  We picked BONKERS as a good neutral meeting spot, get some pizza, play some video games just have some fun!  The time and the place set.  My nerves not so much, I was a bundle of worry. I loved this man, what if his kids didn't like me what did that mean for our relationship. Charlie's kids were/are so important to him.  Kids could smell phony a mile away, I had to go easy, be myself but not too much.   I've been told I can be a  little over the top( I don't see it) I try so hard to have people like me.  Some might consider that a flaw, I don't.  As the day approached I was filled with doubt.   He was still married, I can't even remember if they had started the divorce process, so was opening myself up to getting attached to the kids as well and not having this work?  I had to look at it as another life experience that would help me learn and grow.  Nothing in life is a guarantee so I had to take a leap of faith.

So on the drive there I talked to my goddaughter about being nice and having fun and making her auntie Lisa seem like the best!  The actual "hey guys" was great, I introduced Lexi (whom years later I found out was incredible mean to Bethany, Bethany and I laugh about it now) off the kids went to play, we had pizza told stories joked around with the boys.  Beth was pretty quite and for me little girls loved me, so this was gonna be harder than I thought.  The boys were so easy and I had been most nervous about them.  Dan was eager to please doing little tricks on things and always with a big smile, Tom was smart, very smart and liked to explain how certain games worked and how to beat them.  Beth was shy and holding onto to her Daddy, I got that "Daddy's little girl" All this so new to her, I know that confusion.  I lived it, I couldn't try to hard it would make it worse.  I understood more than she knew.  31 at the time and I still wanted my parents back together, now at 45 I still want them together. I know it isn't or never was possible but I still wanted it.  I think it is a girl thing.

The night overall was fun and I enjoyed meeting them so much.  At the end of the night Dan gave me a hug and I loved him for that.  Charlie went in for a quick kiss goodbye and I pulled away fast, the look of terror that arose on Beth's face was enough to tell me to go slow, no one was ready for that.    After I dropped Lexi off I went home and cried, it was a very emotional night.  I was head over heels for this great guy.  To me the past 8 1/2 months felt like he was 2 people my boyfriend and their Dad, the lives where separate and safe for both of us.  Now what?  Could this work?  Could I take on the responsibility of 3 kids?  Charlie had his kids as much as he could, his Ex worked alot, he was with kids everyday. Now that I meet them would I see them everyday as well?  These and a gazillion question kept me up most of that night.  Woman!! We worry about everything before it even happens.   Baby steps, no "I love you" yet no divorce yet...keep it light Lisa, keep it light!