Planning~

So, I must say planning my second wedding was far more fun than the first, I was older, paying for it myself and I knew exactly what I wanted my wedding to be like.  Funny, Charlie's ex had gotten engaged long before us and was supposed to get married that summer (when we got engaged) but, when the kids called her and told her about our engagement and wedding date, she told them her and her fiance (husband now) had picked the same date, she asked to talk to me and of course she was going to change her date.  One potential conflict avoided, and thankfully there were no others. 

I think the wedding was hard for Bethany, I know it was, this was her Dad, she was/is a Daddy's girl and me being me wasn't easy for her, I'd like to say now looking back she knows it was a good thing but at the time it was hard.  I didn't really see that then, I was wrapped up in my own process.  We've talked about it and I've apologized for not being sensitive to her, I just wanted her to be as happy as I was.  The boys were fine, they didn't have any of the fear that Beth did.   As for Charlie, he wanted me to have everything I wanted and happily let me plan away. Of course I took it and ran. I wanted a wedding that represented us, fun, romantic and family friendly. I knew the King's Grant had clam bakes and I thought what a great idea, I made an appointment and when we went I just knew this was exactly what we wanted.  So, a formal wedding inside at the Gazebo and then outside for fun!!  We had softball, horse shoes, a DJ and a dunk tank, I'll explain that later.  But,  I wasn't kidding, I wanted I Cinderella theme, I found invites of off white and blue with a stage coach and road to a castle, I ordered little stage coach jewelry boxes as favors for the women.  I also had picture frames shaped as a stage coaches being pulled by a horse, they were small enough and I used them for the seating arrangements.  I was doing everything myself and with the help of friends.  I was happy.  Then someone asked me how I felt about being a "step mom".  In all honesty I guess I never even gave it a thought, I mean I loved the kids and figured not much would change, just now more official.  However, everyone wants to harp on them not being my kids.  Me raising another woman's children and all the conflict and drama that can entail.  I will address this only once and as delicately as possible, their Mom and I have had our share of disagreements and  of drama, but in the end our main focus was always the kids.  Things could have been better but also could have been a whole lot worse.  We are in a great place now and look forward to all that the future holds for our kids. 

I love being a step mom it was been one of the greatest experiences of my love, I could not love them anymore even if they were my own.  To me it was a very natural transition and let's face it anyone who knows them, knows they are really great kids so they made it easy as well.

I pushed all those thoughts out of my head and focused on my wedding to my best friend and soul mate, I had waited a long time for him and him for me, I was going to get my happily ever after!

I'm back~

So, it has been a while since my last post, between kitchen remodel, Mom, holidays and a very tragic death of one of our friends on the fire department with Charlie... I just pushed everything else to the back burner.  However, after a trip out to LA with Bethany, I am refocused and ready to roll on!!

When I last posted I was asking the question was I really ready to just move out if I didn't get a marriage proposal?  In my head I would tell you yes, I wanted, needed and deserved more! My heart thought my head was crazy and they battled daily, suffering in silence.  I did not need to push, Charlie was not that kind of man.  As the months rolled on, we had it all.  I was adjusting into my roll as woman of the house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, baseball, basketball, car pool, it was everything I wanted, but looking at an empty finger, always snapped be back to reality, was I not good enough, did he not love me in that way?

It was silly really, I mean a piece of paper and a ring was not going to change anything, it had gotten to the point of us joking about it, Charlie is no fool he knew I wasn't "really" joking. I had set a move out date of February, it came and went, after all who wants to move in the winter.   The winter went on with fabulous dates, great times with friends and the kids, a bit of arguing as we were settled now and real life took over, but we just really communicate well, so it was good.  The disagreement's we did have focused on one thing, the only thing we have truly ever fought about, can you guess???  Luckily as the years have gone on, it is something we laugh about now, I was so silly!  Our 3yr anniversary was approaching and it was a weekend we had the kids, so we made plans for them to sleep over our friends house.  It was a warm Saturday in July and Charlie was working washing windows and I was at our friends in-laws pool with he kids, Tom had a baseball playoff game that afternoon  Charlie and I were going  and then dropping him back off at the pool. Charlie arrived at lunch time with a dozen yellow roses for me, I was so happy, our friend said "what is that little box in there" I jumped to my feet, but he was kidding there was no little box.  Charlie took a dip in the pool and called the kids down to a corner of the pool, I figured he was going over rules for sleeping over  and at the time didn't think much of it.   We changed and left for the base ball game, Charlie was being weird, more romantic and lots of childhood memory talk and how much I had given him his life back and what he always wanted for his home to be.  When his parents arrived at the game, he said he needed to go talk to them and he would be right back, again this was strange but I didn't give it much thought either.

After the game, we dropped Tom off and went home to ready to go out to dinner, when we went to leave Charlie wanted to stop at the pool and say goodbye/goodnight to the kids, as we walked back in I asked Beth to take care of my flowers and Dan said "they smell really good, you should smell them".  Slightly annoyed as I wanted to get going I went over to smell them, on top was a little box all wrapped.,  Now our friend is a prankster, so I assumed that he went and got a box to play a joke on me, so playing along and cracking jokes I began to open the box....SURPRISE~ inside was a diamond! I turned around and Charlie was on his knees and the kids stood behind him and he asked me to marry them, as tears began to flow, I said "YES" it was perfect, a day I remember like it was yesterday.   Dan later said that he thought it should have been more romantic and I told him I would not have it any other way.  So now we talk about all that lead up to that moment, well first we set a wedding date 7/28/01 the following summer and our official first date.  So I find out that when he called the kids to the corner, he told them his plan.  When we left Dan informed our friends and they went and got cake, cards and champagne.  At the park when he went to talk to his parents he told them, and the walk through his childhood to meeting me was to let me know how much I meant to him, it all made sense now!!!  See, I would have been intrigued by all this behavior if Charlie did things on "special" days, but he didn't he did them went you least excepted it.  I guess his thought was I would never suspect a proposal on our anniversary so it was perfect!  He was right, I was very, very surprised!  We spent the whole night planing our wedding, we started the guest list and we were beyond happy and excited. I was going to have the perfect "Cinderella" like wedding, I mean really is anyone surprised?

Is this my new normal?

I am moved in, I have new friends, my old friends as well, but if I want to see them I need to go to Lynn, which works cause my Mom is still  there. We had a great routine worked out,  we had the kids alot, we wanted it that way and it worked out .  We had them pretty much every Thursday after school until Sunday nights, there was the random weekend they were with their Mom and I usually made my plans to see friends then.  It was perfect, we had it all.

 

On Sunday's my Mom came over and Charlie's parents came up and we had a big Sunday family dinner, sometimes I felt like I was playing house.   Like I was watching someone else do all of this. This wasn't me, Sunday's were for sleeping late, eating pizza and watching football and in the summer for sleeping off a hangover on the beach.  Now I was in my own home, I had 3 kids, I loved cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids and laundry, when did this happen?  I really did enjoy it so much, so did Charlie.  For him I think it made his life seem a little back to normal, it was hard for him not to wake up with the kids everyday, so it was the little things.  If I had learned nothing I learned that the kids  would always come first, I was a close second but they were and always will be his main priority.  I was good with this, having divorced parents myself I understood this and respected him and loved more because of it. 

 

 I think for me not being able to have children, it made me appreciate his children all that much more.  All I had ever wanted was to be a Mom, I wanted 5 kids.  Honestly, meeting Charlie and being part of his life and his children's lives was the next best thing and the best thing that ever happened to me. It still is!  Even now, the relationships I/we have with the kids is what I had always dreamt it would be. Well, they really aren't kids anymore they are 20, 22 and almost 24.   Jeez, it has been an amazing journey and it is an incredible feeling knowing I had a little something to do with the adults they have become. It is a good feeling when Beth calls for advice on men, fashion, or friendships, or just to talk, I used to try to hard and Charlie always told me "less is more", he was right!  It all came around. Some of my  favorite times are my talks with Dan, he has a lot of wisdom for 22, I find myself the most open and closet to him.  I enjoy a healthy competition with Tom, both of us like to be right!!  When we all go out to trivia with him and a group of friends and our friends, everyone is amazed how smart he is and I love to watch him and Charlie debate and sort out the right answer.  We also have a little football pool between me, Charlie and Tom, nothing makes me happier than beating him and Charlie, so far I am 5-3, I think it kills them.....they think I cheat, they think I take whatever the ESPN reporters pick, I mean I do look at what they pick But I make up my own mind. Maybe.

 

Charlie and I talked about marriage and  trying to have a child, at that point I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. 

 

After several miscarriages and an ananencephalic pregnancy during my first marriage, I was told I had a 2% chance of ever carrying to term or having a viable healthy pregnancy at 23 no one is able to really comprehend this information.  Still after talking it over with Charlie and my doctors and having some genetic testing done without positive results we made the decision that another child was not in the cards for us however being a little older and somewhat jaded I was able to grasp the information better. Charlie was so supportive and I know in his heart he would have tired if I really wanted to, but he had 3 healthy happy children, he was done. I am sure he was somewhat relived that the choice was taken out of our hands.  When I was 23, everyone from family, friends Priest and strangers told me God had another plan for me. Telling a woman who all her life wanted 5 children this seemed like the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard!  Now being told again, I sit and cry with Charlie, he looks and says well, "my kids love you and they need you" "already you have opened your heart to them and given them so much".  At that moment I thought hum? Is this what I was meant for, I mean if I had children with my Ex, we may have stayed married, but even if we didn't I would not have been out "trolling" for a husband at softball fields,or even open to dating a man with kids, so maybe this was my plan.   I do like to believe in fate and it makes me feel better to think all 4 of them where my destiny.

 I truly had it all, I mean I missed the whole bonding and giving birth experience, but I had the next best thing.  I had an instant family.  I was helping raise, guide and make my own special bond with his 3 children, I was lucky they were great kids and very easy to love. I had my time with the kids and Charlie as a family, yet Charlie and I still had plenty of couple time and  with his schedule on the fire department I had time to myself.  It was perfect, I didn't need a ring or piece of paper that wasn't going to change what we had.  I already loved the kids as if they were my own, we have a few  friends that have often told me they could not have done what I have done with someone else's children  to me it was the most natural thing in the world.  I am not sure Charlie would have had it any other way.  Whomever he was going to be with needed to understand that or it was never going to work and for me I would not have had it any other way.

 

We were surviving the holiday rush and got the news that his EX had gotten engaged.  Around the same time mutual friends of ours whom had been together just as long as us asked us out to dinner, us ladies where chatting and talking about marriage and she and I had, had the same school of thought we didn't need to do it again or so I thought a few days later her and I are talking as she had read in the paper of an 86 old man passing away and it said "survived by long-time-companion" at that moment she said that will be us.  I thought oh God that is awful, I don't want to be "long time companion, I want to be "his wife" she said so do I.  Let it be said that although they are still together, they have not gotten married yet! For me,  I mean if I was going to get married again Charlie was perfect. He was my soul mate in every way possible.  I then started thinking why didn't he want to marry me? This kind of thinking can drive anyone crazy, since I didn't far to go this just about put me over the edge. 

 

New Year' Eve 1999, I thought this was the perfect time to discuss our future, it was going to be  2000, a new decade. Right after midnight I said to him, "I think we should get married" his reply: "Lisa, I need a computer for the business, this to me was the "I  love you", thank you all over again.  Really?? A computer? Wow.  Ok, so I guess I knew where we stood, so now what?   I had stop, I could drive myself crazy with this, and the timing I didn't need him to think just because his Ex got engaged that I now need too. It was that damn obituary!  I felt my best course of action was to ignore the whole thing.  2/14/200, out to dinner for valentine's day and meeting friends for drinks, on this day of love one of his buddies thought this would be a great time to ask us when we where getting married,I mean it had been 2 1/2yrs. I replied with a straight face, "oh, no Charlie needs a computer, that would be a little big for my finger" A silence feel over the room. I guess I wasn't as funny as I thought.  It then became the running joke, but one night I said to him, I really want to get married again and I want it to be to you, but if you're not ready or won't be ready I understand but I should go.  He said he really didn't know if he wanted to be that vunerable  ever again, I got that, I had been there. It had been years for me.  Charlie and I started dating a few days after he had moved out.  I knew he need time but I was ready.  We talked and talked and I said I am not going anywhere tomorrow.  I guess the next day was ground hog day, because we both put the "talk" behind us and moved on.  We joked from time to time but I need to let it go.  I would give it another year, I didn't tell him, I just kept it in the back of my mind, Charlie was and is not one to do something just because you want him to.  I knew how much he loved me, I knew how happy I made him and he made me and the kids, they had added so much to my life, would I really just go? 

  

 

Moved In~

So, move in was a success, I pretty much had everything unpacked and set up in 2 days, it looked like I had always lived there.  I had gone food shopping and filled the fridge and cabinet with after school goodies for the kids. It was very natural to me, weird, but natural. The one problem I was having was all my friends from Lynn thought Peabody was the other side of the world!  Things changed, no longer did I have the security of my little apartment, friends, my mom.I felt isolated,  the kids were back in their "home" the street with all their friends, Charlie had projects around the house, his neighborhood friends and his parents.  It was hard for me,  I was having a hard time adjusting. I felt a little lost, especially driving, I knew Lynn like the back of my hand, Peabody past Lynn Street I was lost!   My first time driving the kids to school, which was only a few blocks away from our home,  I got lost, I could see the school I just couldn't get there, we laugh about it now, but that day I was freaking out.  What had I done? 

 

 When the kids stayed at my apartment on weekends, we did everything together, video games, movies just lots of quality time together, it was just the 5 of us. Even when it was just Charlie and I, there was no outside world in my little apartment.   Now everyone had lives, well everyone except me.  I didn't have new friends, not that I would have a problem making friends, it was just weird for me. It didn't dawn on me before hand because I was so caught up in the excitement of falling in love with all 4 of them and a home and moving, I never stopped to think about the fact that I was moving away from everything familiar,  into another woman's house, a life she had made a home friends, the place her children called home, and always would.  Everyone in the neighborhood knew her, what were they thinking about me?  It bothered me.  So now on top of feeling alone I had added guilt to the mix, this was for sure my mother's doing. I am surprised my mother didn't think of that and point it out to me before I ever agreed to move. I found myself wondering how I never thought of it.  Ok, so now what, I could let myself get consumed by these thoughts and run~that wasn't me.  After all I had nothing to do with the events that lead to Charlie's divorce or him moving back to the home.  I made myself stop thinking about all of it, this was my home now, it represented me, Charlie and the life we wanted to build together,  any indication of any other life there was gone. 

 

 Dan and Beth were still at the Carroll school and Thomas went to school in Beverly and we all took turns getting him after school, he was also part of a car pool which those parents lived closer to us. So since it was easier they were at our home every afternoon after school.  Right after the move I  was on vacation, but even when I went back to work I was home by 2:30 everyday even if I was a little late, Charlie's parents lived right downstairs and their Mom worked at a Nursing facility at the end of our street. She would pick them up on her way home from work, so for now it worked for everyone.  I must admit there where days when all I wanted was an afternoon nap,or to sit and watch General Hospital, as much as I loved the kids this was a big lifestyle change for me.  What was good about it, was it gave me a chance to meet people in the neighborhood, at that time all the kids in the neighborhood where about the same age and the Moms would be outside while the kids played. Everyone was warm and welcoming and very happy to see Charlie back in the neighborhood, this was easy, I was fitting right in.  Our neighbor 2 doors down was a hairdresser and my life long hairdresser was moving to the South Shore, it seemed the perfect time to make the change.  From what I could tell she was the social director of the street.  Her and I hit it off, along with our neighbor behind us.  Our neighbor behind us over the years has become one of my best friends and someone I admire and love spending time with, plus she gives great advice!  Thanks K~  Our other neighbor 2 doors down moved away a few years later, I miss her! The owners that purchased the house have quickly picked up the torch as the party planners.   However I just found out our old neighbors are moving back and I am very excited!!!

 

After a few weeks, I was now a fixture and to all around me,  it seemed like I had always been a part of the group.  We did lots together, they had a great Halloween party and lots of pot luck dinners and just weekend get together.  It was so much fun and lots of laughs. I was funny and engaging and everyone really liked me!   I was now a part of a family and a community.  I loved my life, the kids, my home.  What had I been worried about?   If I am honest with myself I admit at times I felt  like I was having an "outer body experience", like I had left my body and I hovered above watching myself, cook, clean, take care of 3 little ones, that needed me. I felt like such a grown up.  It was weird to me, at times now it still is....I often wonder when I became this grown up?     

My move~

OK, so when I left off before I talked about Charlie's Dad, we had just gotten back from Disney and drooped the kids off at their new home and I was excited to go to my new home!  Yes, Charlie and I had a home.  I was excited to start the painting, decorating, cleaning, organizing projects, we had 1 month to get it done and move in!  We were so busy with everything the month flew by and I found myself terrified to move.  I was lucky Charlie was the great guy he is, he put all my fears to rest.  He had the patience of a saint, as I had backed out several times, and tired to start a fights with him, he laughed at me and told me my fear was "cute", really??  love that man.

I woke up on 9/15/99, feeling like it was the first day of the rest of my life.  The moving company arrived and one by one boxes where carried out until everything was gone.  I stood in the kitchen of my apartment, my safety net for all those years, so many memories, so many good times, I was happy and sad, excited and lost all at the same time.  Charlie had already left with the movers, my Mom came in and told me it was all going to be ok, she would be fine alone, yes folks there it is, the guilt.  At that moment I was happy to go!  As I drove to my new home, I was making notes in my head of what I wanted to get done that day.  I wanted to set up the kitchen and our bedroom.  Then I would do the kids rooms, I had taken a weeks vacation and would have it all done. 

We had moved some things in before hand so some stuff was in place and I was busy unpacking and decorating time just flew, the kids arrived after school and I had baked cookies, for those of you who know me, you know this was no easy task and something I had never done, I was in awe of myself.  As I watched them do homework, eat cookies and head out with friends, I was overwhelmed, it felt like I had stepped into someone else's life, this wasn't me.  I mean it was what I had always wanted, but I wasn't sure what to do with it all now that I had it.

The kids left, we finished a few things and we headed off to bed in our new home together.  This so far was the happiest day of my life!  I had a home with  the man I loved, his 3 children I loved  and I was ready to embark on a wonderful journey~  

Life Changes~

Yes, the phone call was the Doctor, confirming that Charlie's dad in fact had pancreatic cancer, they thought that when he had been hospitalized original and the diagnosis of Diabetes was given, that in fact at that time it was his pancreatic

I watched Charlie on the phone the  slump of his shoulders and the color drain from his face, I knew.  All I could hear was Charlie saying "okay, okay" "yes, where do we go from here?" how long?"  my heart was breaking, I sat and made small talk with his Dad, he just wanted to go home.  Charlie hung up the phone and then had to tell his Dad the bad news, he took his hand and said "Dad, I'm sorry, but the doctor was right you have cancer"  His Dad said "anything they can do" Charlie said "No Dad" he said, "okay then lets go home"

We drove home in silence taking it all in, as we pulled in the driveway, Charlie said "you ok Dad"? His Dad looked at him and said "we'll at least I got to see the Red Sox win the World Series", for him it was as simple as that, such a gentle man, he just took the information in stride.

We got Charlie's Dad settled and went upstairs, at the same time we both began to cry, at this point I had only seen Charlie cry on most Christmas's eve/mornings, he always missed the kids and it was hard for him,  he hadn't shared those times with the kids since his divorce.  To see him cry is so  hard for me,  I told him we needed to talk to the kids, we called Thomas who was away at school and we told Dan and Bethany then we called other family members, and friends.  Strangely this I was good at, I had to do it when I lost my son at 7 months and when I found out I couldn't have children, I found the strength then and I would find it now.  Goes without saying it was the longest night, neither Charlie or I slept a wink.

The next morning, I took his blood sugar, it was off the chart high, probably from the drink he had for the Ultrasound, I put a call into Dr. Taylor who called me back, sounding very sad, Joe had been his patient for years.  He told me I no longer needed to check his blood sugar and

Joe could have what ever he wanted to eat or drink, at this point with his diagnosis and life expectancy it didn't matter, I just said "oh" and to be honest I think it was truly at that moment that I realized what was actually happening.  I got the kids off to school and Charlie and I took Joe to visit Fran and out to lunch, it was a good day.  His Sister came down the next day and we all talked,  On Monday Hospice was set up to come to the house to evaluate and offer us help and guidance.  I must say that the staff from Hospice and the Kaplan House staff were some of the most amazing people I have ever meet...... We took care of Joe at home for about a week and a half before the level of care he needed became more than we could give him.  One Friday morning I found him on the floor, his legs had given out and he could no longer walk.  On Sunday he was admitted to the Kaplan Hospice house.   We took Fran to see him that Tuesday, he took one look at her and said "there is the love of my life" they held hands for a while said their goodbyes, he sat up and gave her a kiss, sadly Joe passed away the next day with Me, Charlie and Francine at his side.  All our lives have been forever changed.  there is so much more that happened during those 2 weeks, it made me a better person, a better wife, it brought Charlie and I so much closer, which I didn't think was possible.  I learned so much from Joe in the short time he was in my life and I carry it with me to this day. 

Now we can move forward with the rest of my journey...thanks for letting me share~

Home from Disney~

We had a great time in Disney, I however was excited heading home!  Bringing the kids to their new house and then I wanted to head over to "our" home, I was beyond excited.  I was still I bit apprehensive, I mean I was giving up my safety net and what if this didn't work, I wasn't normally one to take risks this was uncharted territory for me.  The whole plane ride home that was all I could think about, we dropped the kids off, they were excited to see their new home.  Their Mom moving while we were away definitely made the transition much easier for them.  We said our goodbyes and heading "home."

 

Charlie's parents lived in the in-law apartment in our basement, since I had always lived in a 3 family this wasn't a big deal for me, I was happy to have someone there with me, I had never really lived completely alone and since Charlie worked 2 overnights a week and kids would be with their Mom at times, it was perfect.  I loved Charlie's parents his Dad was and forever will be one of the kindest, thoughtful and most caring men I have ever meet!  He made me feel right at home, his Mom was ill, she had Parkinson's disease his Dad took wonderful care of her and I am sure it was a big relief to his Dad that Charlie would be moving back, although even when we lived together he was over to see his parents/kids just about ever day.  Charlie always says all his "good" qualities came from his Dad.  I think Charlie was glad that I didn't mind his parent living there, with his Mom being sick he wanted us to be able to help out and give his Dad a break.  I was more than happy to do that. 

 

Going off track and jumping ahead a little as I feel it is important to talk about this.  It was very hard on Charlie's Dad taking care of his Mom, from what I've been told she was a wonderful woman but very very set in her ways, independent and a little demanding.  When I meet her she was well into her disease and not the woman she had once been.   They loved to travel and once she got sick it was hard for them to continue to do this.  I must say watching his Dad with her, the compassion and patience he had was beyond anything I had ever witnessed before.  After 10yrs or so of him taking care of her at home, it just became too much, even with our help. Eventually, she had to be placed in a nursing home, it was a very difficult decision and when it came down to it, it was Charlie that ended up making the decision for his Dad along with his sister.  Charlie's Dad went to the nursing home everyday like clock work 10am he left got his coffee and a treat for Fran and at 4pm he was back home, it was sad to see he was lost with her. He did go out with friends on occasion and came upstairs for meals with us once in a while, and on nights Charlie worked he and I  got take out, I loved spending time with him, we would talk for hours, well I would talk. he would listen.  In all our conversation, he never had a bad word to say about anyone!   He was also a very generous man, when Charlie would go away with his buddies for his golf weekend, his Dad would always sneak up to the kitchen and leave me some money, when I would ask he would say "wasn't me" we both knew it was.  

 

Early in 2005 it became clear to us that his Dad had the begin signs of Alzheimer's, first the doctor told us he could no longer drive, that I think was the hardest part, Charlie's aunt was a huge help taking him to see Fran.  I only worked 4 days a week so I was able to help also and Charlie who worked 2 jobs scheduled things so that he could take his dad also, Charlie sister came down on weekends and helped out as well.   We had a good little schedule going.  One night in the begin of June, Charlie was at the station, the kids and I went out to eat and when we got home Dan and I went downstairs to see Joe, he hadn't been feeling well for a few days he thought he had a cold, that nigh the  didn't look good to me at all.  I had been making suggestion all week he give his doctor a call and get checked out, he shrugged it off and since he was my elder who was I to argue.  That night I insisted we go to the ER and I called Charlie to come home and bring him, I didn't want  leave the kids alone.  Turns out his blood sugar was 57, yeah not good!   We knew he was diabetic, but it was diet controlled and we had been keeping an eye on it, apparently not a good one.  He was admitted to the hospital and then a week or so later he was able to come home, but  now he would need insulin shots twice daily, with the Alzheimer's progressing he was not going to be able to do this himself so Charlie and I learned how to give him the shots, mix the N and the R if needed,  and how to check his blood sugar.  I was terrified of needles and looking back I am sorta impressed with myself that I was able to over-come this fear and take care him.  Of course over the short time since he had come into my life, he had been like a farther to me. I am not sure anyone, even Charlie realized how close we had become.  His dad  came home, we were set up with visiting nurses to help us, this turned out to be more of a hassle than anything else, except the weekend nurse Sue, she was amazing!  We had arranged to meet with them and go over all the specifics and set up a schedule for us, Charlie's sister and the nurses that would come help us.  Sadly the visiting nurses turned out to be a huge disappointment, it was someone different each day and they didn't seem to share information. They didn't understand his Dad couldn't do the shots himself and seems annoyed with us.  Needless to say it was not a helpful experience, except for the weekends. there was no consistency during the week and we had to explain things over and over like it was the first time.   Finally one Friday the nurse spoke to me in such a condescending manor, I lost my mind and let her and the entire system have it!!!  I called managers, directors and anyone else who would listen, I was done and was not going to be treated this way by anyone, especially people who were there to help me.   We ended up hiring a nurse privately to come once a day to check on him and we rearranged our schedules to make it work.  At that time, my Mother also got sick and I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Charlie and I went food shopping one night for us, his Dad and my Mom, trying to take his Dads diabetic needs into consideration, it was challenging we had 2 carriages and a basket and I stopped in the middle of the isle and began to cry, I wasn't sure I could do all this, I was feeling sorry for myself and everyone involved.  Then Charlie teared up and began to hug me and tell me it all would be ok, we could do this, we could do anything together, we stood there in aile 5 of Shaw's for what seemed like forever, crying and hugging.  Taking care of 3 sick parents was not easy, but he was right we had each other and we were a pretty good team.  To this day he is still helping me with my Mom.  I would be lost without his love and support.

 

Early August on a Wednesday night, my Mom had surgery that day and I was taking care of her, Charlie's sister had come down to take care of his Dad and Charlie was at the station, I got a frantic call from Tommy that Joe wasn't doing good and I needed to get home.  When I arrived it was like 100 degrees int he house and Joe was upstairs and his sister had shut the Ac's off, Joe didn't really like ac, he had a small fan and downstairs was much cooler.  He didn't look good, I took his blood sugar it was high, very high, but also he was having  terrible abdominal pain.  We called an ambulance and all hell broke loose.  It started to rain, I mean epic rain.  Ambulance and police arrived and then over the scanner, we heard that E5 (Charlie's truck) at a brush fire had been struck by lighting, this shit only happens to me!  The cop in the way Tommy and Charlie's sister pacing, the phone ringing, I was about to loose my mind again!  I can laugh about it now, but boy that was not a fun night and I still had to go back and check on my Mom.  I called Charlie and he was about to call me, he heard the dispatch to our home, The EM T's had found a lump in Joe's groin area and felt he needed to go the hospital, I couldn't go I had to get back to my Mom, Charlie's sister was going, but not sure how long she could stay, so I needed for Charlie to leave work and meet them Beverly hospital, turns out he had an inguinal hernia wraped around his small intestine and would need emergency surgery.  Charlie spent the night at the hospital, they weren't sure how it would go because of all the medication Joe took.  He did great and spent a few days in the hospital and then Rehab at Rosewood Nursing home, which is how I discovered the place and my Mom ened up there 5yrs later, maybe everything does happen for a reason. 

 

Charlie's sister was spending time with his Mom and we were taking care of Joe, who honestly when he first came home from the rehab seemed great!  I was feeling encouraged and my Mom seemed a bit better, we were all managing. 

 

Fast forward a few months to October, and 3 more surgeries for my Mom, and they still didn't know where she was bleeding from.   Joe didn't look good to us. I had been taking him to most of his regular check-ups with the doctor and taking my Mom to hers, I had Fridays off and it worked. I just seemed to handle it better, plus I wanted to take some of the burden off of Charlie and since I was able, I did.  We had seen a decline in Joe over the past few weeks and we were having a hard time keeping his blood surgars accurate, I called the Doctor and he wanted to see him.  That day, I felt Charlie needed to go, I am not sure why, it was just a feeling I had, turns out I was right.    I called him gave him the time, it was a Thursday so I would pick up the kids and meet him at home.  I was drivng home with the kids and they were telling stories of there week, when my cell phone rang, it was Charlie, he asked where I was, I told him I was driving with the kids, he told me to pull over for a minute.  Turns out the doctor was sure Joe had pancreatic cancer, as Chalire says "the doc walked in looked at dad and turned and said I think he has cancer" as matter of fact as that.  They were send him for an ultrasound later that night, but sending him home for a bit to drink the drinks.  I tired really hard to just say "ok" I didn't want to upset the kids.  Luckily they never asked..we drove home and I waited for Charlie and Joe.  Joe was not happy about the drinks and I am not sure he fully understood what was going on.  I went with them back to the hospital, trying to keep our concern from the kids wasn't easy, they were old enough to know somwhing was wrong.   He had the test, we waited, they put us on the phone with the Doctor, me being in the medical field knew right away this wasn't good news.