Is this my new normal?

I am moved in, I have new friends, my old friends as well, but if I want to see them I need to go to Lynn, which works cause my Mom is still  there. We had a great routine worked out,  we had the kids alot, we wanted it that way and it worked out .  We had them pretty much every Thursday after school until Sunday nights, there was the random weekend they were with their Mom and I usually made my plans to see friends then.  It was perfect, we had it all.

 

On Sunday's my Mom came over and Charlie's parents came up and we had a big Sunday family dinner, sometimes I felt like I was playing house.   Like I was watching someone else do all of this. This wasn't me, Sunday's were for sleeping late, eating pizza and watching football and in the summer for sleeping off a hangover on the beach.  Now I was in my own home, I had 3 kids, I loved cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids and laundry, when did this happen?  I really did enjoy it so much, so did Charlie.  For him I think it made his life seem a little back to normal, it was hard for him not to wake up with the kids everyday, so it was the little things.  If I had learned nothing I learned that the kids  would always come first, I was a close second but they were and always will be his main priority.  I was good with this, having divorced parents myself I understood this and respected him and loved more because of it. 

 

 I think for me not being able to have children, it made me appreciate his children all that much more.  All I had ever wanted was to be a Mom, I wanted 5 kids.  Honestly, meeting Charlie and being part of his life and his children's lives was the next best thing and the best thing that ever happened to me. It still is!  Even now, the relationships I/we have with the kids is what I had always dreamt it would be. Well, they really aren't kids anymore they are 20, 22 and almost 24.   Jeez, it has been an amazing journey and it is an incredible feeling knowing I had a little something to do with the adults they have become. It is a good feeling when Beth calls for advice on men, fashion, or friendships, or just to talk, I used to try to hard and Charlie always told me "less is more", he was right!  It all came around. Some of my  favorite times are my talks with Dan, he has a lot of wisdom for 22, I find myself the most open and closet to him.  I enjoy a healthy competition with Tom, both of us like to be right!!  When we all go out to trivia with him and a group of friends and our friends, everyone is amazed how smart he is and I love to watch him and Charlie debate and sort out the right answer.  We also have a little football pool between me, Charlie and Tom, nothing makes me happier than beating him and Charlie, so far I am 5-3, I think it kills them.....they think I cheat, they think I take whatever the ESPN reporters pick, I mean I do look at what they pick But I make up my own mind. Maybe.

 

Charlie and I talked about marriage and  trying to have a child, at that point I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. 

 

After several miscarriages and an ananencephalic pregnancy during my first marriage, I was told I had a 2% chance of ever carrying to term or having a viable healthy pregnancy at 23 no one is able to really comprehend this information.  Still after talking it over with Charlie and my doctors and having some genetic testing done without positive results we made the decision that another child was not in the cards for us however being a little older and somewhat jaded I was able to grasp the information better. Charlie was so supportive and I know in his heart he would have tired if I really wanted to, but he had 3 healthy happy children, he was done. I am sure he was somewhat relived that the choice was taken out of our hands.  When I was 23, everyone from family, friends Priest and strangers told me God had another plan for me. Telling a woman who all her life wanted 5 children this seemed like the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard!  Now being told again, I sit and cry with Charlie, he looks and says well, "my kids love you and they need you" "already you have opened your heart to them and given them so much".  At that moment I thought hum? Is this what I was meant for, I mean if I had children with my Ex, we may have stayed married, but even if we didn't I would not have been out "trolling" for a husband at softball fields,or even open to dating a man with kids, so maybe this was my plan.   I do like to believe in fate and it makes me feel better to think all 4 of them where my destiny.

 I truly had it all, I mean I missed the whole bonding and giving birth experience, but I had the next best thing.  I had an instant family.  I was helping raise, guide and make my own special bond with his 3 children, I was lucky they were great kids and very easy to love. I had my time with the kids and Charlie as a family, yet Charlie and I still had plenty of couple time and  with his schedule on the fire department I had time to myself.  It was perfect, I didn't need a ring or piece of paper that wasn't going to change what we had.  I already loved the kids as if they were my own, we have a few  friends that have often told me they could not have done what I have done with someone else's children  to me it was the most natural thing in the world.  I am not sure Charlie would have had it any other way.  Whomever he was going to be with needed to understand that or it was never going to work and for me I would not have had it any other way.

 

We were surviving the holiday rush and got the news that his EX had gotten engaged.  Around the same time mutual friends of ours whom had been together just as long as us asked us out to dinner, us ladies where chatting and talking about marriage and she and I had, had the same school of thought we didn't need to do it again or so I thought a few days later her and I are talking as she had read in the paper of an 86 old man passing away and it said "survived by long-time-companion" at that moment she said that will be us.  I thought oh God that is awful, I don't want to be "long time companion, I want to be "his wife" she said so do I.  Let it be said that although they are still together, they have not gotten married yet! For me,  I mean if I was going to get married again Charlie was perfect. He was my soul mate in every way possible.  I then started thinking why didn't he want to marry me? This kind of thinking can drive anyone crazy, since I didn't far to go this just about put me over the edge. 

 

New Year' Eve 1999, I thought this was the perfect time to discuss our future, it was going to be  2000, a new decade. Right after midnight I said to him, "I think we should get married" his reply: "Lisa, I need a computer for the business, this to me was the "I  love you", thank you all over again.  Really?? A computer? Wow.  Ok, so I guess I knew where we stood, so now what?   I had stop, I could drive myself crazy with this, and the timing I didn't need him to think just because his Ex got engaged that I now need too. It was that damn obituary!  I felt my best course of action was to ignore the whole thing.  2/14/200, out to dinner for valentine's day and meeting friends for drinks, on this day of love one of his buddies thought this would be a great time to ask us when we where getting married,I mean it had been 2 1/2yrs. I replied with a straight face, "oh, no Charlie needs a computer, that would be a little big for my finger" A silence feel over the room. I guess I wasn't as funny as I thought.  It then became the running joke, but one night I said to him, I really want to get married again and I want it to be to you, but if you're not ready or won't be ready I understand but I should go.  He said he really didn't know if he wanted to be that vunerable  ever again, I got that, I had been there. It had been years for me.  Charlie and I started dating a few days after he had moved out.  I knew he need time but I was ready.  We talked and talked and I said I am not going anywhere tomorrow.  I guess the next day was ground hog day, because we both put the "talk" behind us and moved on.  We joked from time to time but I need to let it go.  I would give it another year, I didn't tell him, I just kept it in the back of my mind, Charlie was and is not one to do something just because you want him to.  I knew how much he loved me, I knew how happy I made him and he made me and the kids, they had added so much to my life, would I really just go? 

  

 

Moved In~

So, move in was a success, I pretty much had everything unpacked and set up in 2 days, it looked like I had always lived there.  I had gone food shopping and filled the fridge and cabinet with after school goodies for the kids. It was very natural to me, weird, but natural. The one problem I was having was all my friends from Lynn thought Peabody was the other side of the world!  Things changed, no longer did I have the security of my little apartment, friends, my mom.I felt isolated,  the kids were back in their "home" the street with all their friends, Charlie had projects around the house, his neighborhood friends and his parents.  It was hard for me,  I was having a hard time adjusting. I felt a little lost, especially driving, I knew Lynn like the back of my hand, Peabody past Lynn Street I was lost!   My first time driving the kids to school, which was only a few blocks away from our home,  I got lost, I could see the school I just couldn't get there, we laugh about it now, but that day I was freaking out.  What had I done? 

 

 When the kids stayed at my apartment on weekends, we did everything together, video games, movies just lots of quality time together, it was just the 5 of us. Even when it was just Charlie and I, there was no outside world in my little apartment.   Now everyone had lives, well everyone except me.  I didn't have new friends, not that I would have a problem making friends, it was just weird for me. It didn't dawn on me before hand because I was so caught up in the excitement of falling in love with all 4 of them and a home and moving, I never stopped to think about the fact that I was moving away from everything familiar,  into another woman's house, a life she had made a home friends, the place her children called home, and always would.  Everyone in the neighborhood knew her, what were they thinking about me?  It bothered me.  So now on top of feeling alone I had added guilt to the mix, this was for sure my mother's doing. I am surprised my mother didn't think of that and point it out to me before I ever agreed to move. I found myself wondering how I never thought of it.  Ok, so now what, I could let myself get consumed by these thoughts and run~that wasn't me.  After all I had nothing to do with the events that lead to Charlie's divorce or him moving back to the home.  I made myself stop thinking about all of it, this was my home now, it represented me, Charlie and the life we wanted to build together,  any indication of any other life there was gone. 

 

 Dan and Beth were still at the Carroll school and Thomas went to school in Beverly and we all took turns getting him after school, he was also part of a car pool which those parents lived closer to us. So since it was easier they were at our home every afternoon after school.  Right after the move I  was on vacation, but even when I went back to work I was home by 2:30 everyday even if I was a little late, Charlie's parents lived right downstairs and their Mom worked at a Nursing facility at the end of our street. She would pick them up on her way home from work, so for now it worked for everyone.  I must admit there where days when all I wanted was an afternoon nap,or to sit and watch General Hospital, as much as I loved the kids this was a big lifestyle change for me.  What was good about it, was it gave me a chance to meet people in the neighborhood, at that time all the kids in the neighborhood where about the same age and the Moms would be outside while the kids played. Everyone was warm and welcoming and very happy to see Charlie back in the neighborhood, this was easy, I was fitting right in.  Our neighbor 2 doors down was a hairdresser and my life long hairdresser was moving to the South Shore, it seemed the perfect time to make the change.  From what I could tell she was the social director of the street.  Her and I hit it off, along with our neighbor behind us.  Our neighbor behind us over the years has become one of my best friends and someone I admire and love spending time with, plus she gives great advice!  Thanks K~  Our other neighbor 2 doors down moved away a few years later, I miss her! The owners that purchased the house have quickly picked up the torch as the party planners.   However I just found out our old neighbors are moving back and I am very excited!!!

 

After a few weeks, I was now a fixture and to all around me,  it seemed like I had always been a part of the group.  We did lots together, they had a great Halloween party and lots of pot luck dinners and just weekend get together.  It was so much fun and lots of laughs. I was funny and engaging and everyone really liked me!   I was now a part of a family and a community.  I loved my life, the kids, my home.  What had I been worried about?   If I am honest with myself I admit at times I felt  like I was having an "outer body experience", like I had left my body and I hovered above watching myself, cook, clean, take care of 3 little ones, that needed me. I felt like such a grown up.  It was weird to me, at times now it still is....I often wonder when I became this grown up?     

My move~

OK, so when I left off before I talked about Charlie's Dad, we had just gotten back from Disney and drooped the kids off at their new home and I was excited to go to my new home!  Yes, Charlie and I had a home.  I was excited to start the painting, decorating, cleaning, organizing projects, we had 1 month to get it done and move in!  We were so busy with everything the month flew by and I found myself terrified to move.  I was lucky Charlie was the great guy he is, he put all my fears to rest.  He had the patience of a saint, as I had backed out several times, and tired to start a fights with him, he laughed at me and told me my fear was "cute", really??  love that man.

I woke up on 9/15/99, feeling like it was the first day of the rest of my life.  The moving company arrived and one by one boxes where carried out until everything was gone.  I stood in the kitchen of my apartment, my safety net for all those years, so many memories, so many good times, I was happy and sad, excited and lost all at the same time.  Charlie had already left with the movers, my Mom came in and told me it was all going to be ok, she would be fine alone, yes folks there it is, the guilt.  At that moment I was happy to go!  As I drove to my new home, I was making notes in my head of what I wanted to get done that day.  I wanted to set up the kitchen and our bedroom.  Then I would do the kids rooms, I had taken a weeks vacation and would have it all done. 

We had moved some things in before hand so some stuff was in place and I was busy unpacking and decorating time just flew, the kids arrived after school and I had baked cookies, for those of you who know me, you know this was no easy task and something I had never done, I was in awe of myself.  As I watched them do homework, eat cookies and head out with friends, I was overwhelmed, it felt like I had stepped into someone else's life, this wasn't me.  I mean it was what I had always wanted, but I wasn't sure what to do with it all now that I had it.

The kids left, we finished a few things and we headed off to bed in our new home together.  This so far was the happiest day of my life!  I had a home with  the man I loved, his 3 children I loved  and I was ready to embark on a wonderful journey~  

Life Changes~

Yes, the phone call was the Doctor, confirming that Charlie's dad in fact had pancreatic cancer, they thought that when he had been hospitalized original and the diagnosis of Diabetes was given, that in fact at that time it was his pancreatic

I watched Charlie on the phone the  slump of his shoulders and the color drain from his face, I knew.  All I could hear was Charlie saying "okay, okay" "yes, where do we go from here?" how long?"  my heart was breaking, I sat and made small talk with his Dad, he just wanted to go home.  Charlie hung up the phone and then had to tell his Dad the bad news, he took his hand and said "Dad, I'm sorry, but the doctor was right you have cancer"  His Dad said "anything they can do" Charlie said "No Dad" he said, "okay then lets go home"

We drove home in silence taking it all in, as we pulled in the driveway, Charlie said "you ok Dad"? His Dad looked at him and said "we'll at least I got to see the Red Sox win the World Series", for him it was as simple as that, such a gentle man, he just took the information in stride.

We got Charlie's Dad settled and went upstairs, at the same time we both began to cry, at this point I had only seen Charlie cry on most Christmas's eve/mornings, he always missed the kids and it was hard for him,  he hadn't shared those times with the kids since his divorce.  To see him cry is so  hard for me,  I told him we needed to talk to the kids, we called Thomas who was away at school and we told Dan and Bethany then we called other family members, and friends.  Strangely this I was good at, I had to do it when I lost my son at 7 months and when I found out I couldn't have children, I found the strength then and I would find it now.  Goes without saying it was the longest night, neither Charlie or I slept a wink.

The next morning, I took his blood sugar, it was off the chart high, probably from the drink he had for the Ultrasound, I put a call into Dr. Taylor who called me back, sounding very sad, Joe had been his patient for years.  He told me I no longer needed to check his blood sugar and

Joe could have what ever he wanted to eat or drink, at this point with his diagnosis and life expectancy it didn't matter, I just said "oh" and to be honest I think it was truly at that moment that I realized what was actually happening.  I got the kids off to school and Charlie and I took Joe to visit Fran and out to lunch, it was a good day.  His Sister came down the next day and we all talked,  On Monday Hospice was set up to come to the house to evaluate and offer us help and guidance.  I must say that the staff from Hospice and the Kaplan House staff were some of the most amazing people I have ever meet...... We took care of Joe at home for about a week and a half before the level of care he needed became more than we could give him.  One Friday morning I found him on the floor, his legs had given out and he could no longer walk.  On Sunday he was admitted to the Kaplan Hospice house.   We took Fran to see him that Tuesday, he took one look at her and said "there is the love of my life" they held hands for a while said their goodbyes, he sat up and gave her a kiss, sadly Joe passed away the next day with Me, Charlie and Francine at his side.  All our lives have been forever changed.  there is so much more that happened during those 2 weeks, it made me a better person, a better wife, it brought Charlie and I so much closer, which I didn't think was possible.  I learned so much from Joe in the short time he was in my life and I carry it with me to this day. 

Now we can move forward with the rest of my journey...thanks for letting me share~

Home from Disney~

We had a great time in Disney, I however was excited heading home!  Bringing the kids to their new house and then I wanted to head over to "our" home, I was beyond excited.  I was still I bit apprehensive, I mean I was giving up my safety net and what if this didn't work, I wasn't normally one to take risks this was uncharted territory for me.  The whole plane ride home that was all I could think about, we dropped the kids off, they were excited to see their new home.  Their Mom moving while we were away definitely made the transition much easier for them.  We said our goodbyes and heading "home."

 

Charlie's parents lived in the in-law apartment in our basement, since I had always lived in a 3 family this wasn't a big deal for me, I was happy to have someone there with me, I had never really lived completely alone and since Charlie worked 2 overnights a week and kids would be with their Mom at times, it was perfect.  I loved Charlie's parents his Dad was and forever will be one of the kindest, thoughtful and most caring men I have ever meet!  He made me feel right at home, his Mom was ill, she had Parkinson's disease his Dad took wonderful care of her and I am sure it was a big relief to his Dad that Charlie would be moving back, although even when we lived together he was over to see his parents/kids just about ever day.  Charlie always says all his "good" qualities came from his Dad.  I think Charlie was glad that I didn't mind his parent living there, with his Mom being sick he wanted us to be able to help out and give his Dad a break.  I was more than happy to do that. 

 

Going off track and jumping ahead a little as I feel it is important to talk about this.  It was very hard on Charlie's Dad taking care of his Mom, from what I've been told she was a wonderful woman but very very set in her ways, independent and a little demanding.  When I meet her she was well into her disease and not the woman she had once been.   They loved to travel and once she got sick it was hard for them to continue to do this.  I must say watching his Dad with her, the compassion and patience he had was beyond anything I had ever witnessed before.  After 10yrs or so of him taking care of her at home, it just became too much, even with our help. Eventually, she had to be placed in a nursing home, it was a very difficult decision and when it came down to it, it was Charlie that ended up making the decision for his Dad along with his sister.  Charlie's Dad went to the nursing home everyday like clock work 10am he left got his coffee and a treat for Fran and at 4pm he was back home, it was sad to see he was lost with her. He did go out with friends on occasion and came upstairs for meals with us once in a while, and on nights Charlie worked he and I  got take out, I loved spending time with him, we would talk for hours, well I would talk. he would listen.  In all our conversation, he never had a bad word to say about anyone!   He was also a very generous man, when Charlie would go away with his buddies for his golf weekend, his Dad would always sneak up to the kitchen and leave me some money, when I would ask he would say "wasn't me" we both knew it was.  

 

Early in 2005 it became clear to us that his Dad had the begin signs of Alzheimer's, first the doctor told us he could no longer drive, that I think was the hardest part, Charlie's aunt was a huge help taking him to see Fran.  I only worked 4 days a week so I was able to help also and Charlie who worked 2 jobs scheduled things so that he could take his dad also, Charlie sister came down on weekends and helped out as well.   We had a good little schedule going.  One night in the begin of June, Charlie was at the station, the kids and I went out to eat and when we got home Dan and I went downstairs to see Joe, he hadn't been feeling well for a few days he thought he had a cold, that nigh the  didn't look good to me at all.  I had been making suggestion all week he give his doctor a call and get checked out, he shrugged it off and since he was my elder who was I to argue.  That night I insisted we go to the ER and I called Charlie to come home and bring him, I didn't want  leave the kids alone.  Turns out his blood sugar was 57, yeah not good!   We knew he was diabetic, but it was diet controlled and we had been keeping an eye on it, apparently not a good one.  He was admitted to the hospital and then a week or so later he was able to come home, but  now he would need insulin shots twice daily, with the Alzheimer's progressing he was not going to be able to do this himself so Charlie and I learned how to give him the shots, mix the N and the R if needed,  and how to check his blood sugar.  I was terrified of needles and looking back I am sorta impressed with myself that I was able to over-come this fear and take care him.  Of course over the short time since he had come into my life, he had been like a farther to me. I am not sure anyone, even Charlie realized how close we had become.  His dad  came home, we were set up with visiting nurses to help us, this turned out to be more of a hassle than anything else, except the weekend nurse Sue, she was amazing!  We had arranged to meet with them and go over all the specifics and set up a schedule for us, Charlie's sister and the nurses that would come help us.  Sadly the visiting nurses turned out to be a huge disappointment, it was someone different each day and they didn't seem to share information. They didn't understand his Dad couldn't do the shots himself and seems annoyed with us.  Needless to say it was not a helpful experience, except for the weekends. there was no consistency during the week and we had to explain things over and over like it was the first time.   Finally one Friday the nurse spoke to me in such a condescending manor, I lost my mind and let her and the entire system have it!!!  I called managers, directors and anyone else who would listen, I was done and was not going to be treated this way by anyone, especially people who were there to help me.   We ended up hiring a nurse privately to come once a day to check on him and we rearranged our schedules to make it work.  At that time, my Mother also got sick and I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Charlie and I went food shopping one night for us, his Dad and my Mom, trying to take his Dads diabetic needs into consideration, it was challenging we had 2 carriages and a basket and I stopped in the middle of the isle and began to cry, I wasn't sure I could do all this, I was feeling sorry for myself and everyone involved.  Then Charlie teared up and began to hug me and tell me it all would be ok, we could do this, we could do anything together, we stood there in aile 5 of Shaw's for what seemed like forever, crying and hugging.  Taking care of 3 sick parents was not easy, but he was right we had each other and we were a pretty good team.  To this day he is still helping me with my Mom.  I would be lost without his love and support.

 

Early August on a Wednesday night, my Mom had surgery that day and I was taking care of her, Charlie's sister had come down to take care of his Dad and Charlie was at the station, I got a frantic call from Tommy that Joe wasn't doing good and I needed to get home.  When I arrived it was like 100 degrees int he house and Joe was upstairs and his sister had shut the Ac's off, Joe didn't really like ac, he had a small fan and downstairs was much cooler.  He didn't look good, I took his blood sugar it was high, very high, but also he was having  terrible abdominal pain.  We called an ambulance and all hell broke loose.  It started to rain, I mean epic rain.  Ambulance and police arrived and then over the scanner, we heard that E5 (Charlie's truck) at a brush fire had been struck by lighting, this shit only happens to me!  The cop in the way Tommy and Charlie's sister pacing, the phone ringing, I was about to loose my mind again!  I can laugh about it now, but boy that was not a fun night and I still had to go back and check on my Mom.  I called Charlie and he was about to call me, he heard the dispatch to our home, The EM T's had found a lump in Joe's groin area and felt he needed to go the hospital, I couldn't go I had to get back to my Mom, Charlie's sister was going, but not sure how long she could stay, so I needed for Charlie to leave work and meet them Beverly hospital, turns out he had an inguinal hernia wraped around his small intestine and would need emergency surgery.  Charlie spent the night at the hospital, they weren't sure how it would go because of all the medication Joe took.  He did great and spent a few days in the hospital and then Rehab at Rosewood Nursing home, which is how I discovered the place and my Mom ened up there 5yrs later, maybe everything does happen for a reason. 

 

Charlie's sister was spending time with his Mom and we were taking care of Joe, who honestly when he first came home from the rehab seemed great!  I was feeling encouraged and my Mom seemed a bit better, we were all managing. 

 

Fast forward a few months to October, and 3 more surgeries for my Mom, and they still didn't know where she was bleeding from.   Joe didn't look good to us. I had been taking him to most of his regular check-ups with the doctor and taking my Mom to hers, I had Fridays off and it worked. I just seemed to handle it better, plus I wanted to take some of the burden off of Charlie and since I was able, I did.  We had seen a decline in Joe over the past few weeks and we were having a hard time keeping his blood surgars accurate, I called the Doctor and he wanted to see him.  That day, I felt Charlie needed to go, I am not sure why, it was just a feeling I had, turns out I was right.    I called him gave him the time, it was a Thursday so I would pick up the kids and meet him at home.  I was drivng home with the kids and they were telling stories of there week, when my cell phone rang, it was Charlie, he asked where I was, I told him I was driving with the kids, he told me to pull over for a minute.  Turns out the doctor was sure Joe had pancreatic cancer, as Chalire says "the doc walked in looked at dad and turned and said I think he has cancer" as matter of fact as that.  They were send him for an ultrasound later that night, but sending him home for a bit to drink the drinks.  I tired really hard to just say "ok" I didn't want to upset the kids.  Luckily they never asked..we drove home and I waited for Charlie and Joe.  Joe was not happy about the drinks and I am not sure he fully understood what was going on.  I went with them back to the hospital, trying to keep our concern from the kids wasn't easy, they were old enough to know somwhing was wrong.   He had the test, we waited, they put us on the phone with the Doctor, me being in the medical field knew right away this wasn't good news.

Changes Part 2~ Disney Days

As we walk towards Cinderella's castle, I could barely contain my excitement.  I have a smile across my face,  that even if I wanted to I am not sure I could make it go away. The kids are laughing, they can't believe how excited I am.  We walk in and tell the royal hostess we are there for our 5:30 reservation.  The great room is filled with people and I am in awe of how beautiful the setting is, I sit and listen to the names being called and everyone is announced as "The Royal Family" I can't wait!  Bethany sits on my lap and we are all chatting, the elevator dings and out walks the Fairy godmother, she is saying hello and greeting everyone, Charlie says "look Lis, look who it is" I clearly don't care.  Another ding and Prince Charming walks out, although I am with the real Prince Charming, I  smile, I am impatiently waiting  to go up stairs, I can't wait to see Cinderella and tell her how much I love her, yeah I know she isn't real, but for me she was. I was 8 and my parents were getting divorced, she made me smile, I clung to her story of "happily ever after", it gave me hope, silly as it seems, it got me through a very difficult time.  Talking with Bethany and the boys, I am thinking that it doesn't get better than this, the elevator dings again, there she is, in all her glory, more beautiful than I ever imagined, without a thought in my head I stand, Bethany falling of my lap and slides across the marble floor, I look but it doesn't really register, I am now running to get to the front of the line, hip checking little girls as I go, okay, not my proudest moment but I have lost all rational thought at this point, I am 8 and I am going to meet Cinderella.  The look on the character's face should have told me to slow down, although smiling she had a look of "what is this crazy woman doing" by this time Bethany had gotten up and the 4 of them were hysterical laughing a little of OMG mixed in and and trying to pretend they did not know me. 

I get to her and try to explain how she has impacted my life in such a profound way , she is nodding and saying "that's nice dear" trying to move me along, I however won't be rushed, this is my moment.  Good God, over the years I have listened to Charlie and the kids repeat this story, funny as it is, I wonder why he did not walk but run away hop on a plane home and never look back.  As things settle down she stands near the fireplace and you can line up for pictures, YES by God I am getting a picture.  Not gonna lie,  I went to Disney with my girlfriends a few years before this and I waited in line for 1 hour to get my picture with Cinderella.  My friends walked past me several times, they also pretended not to know me!

The line begins to form and I am talking to little girls who are also very excited and a little apprehensive  towards me, the only  "grown-up"  in the line.  Not a care in the world, I wait, at this point I ask Beth to join me, she does and so do the boys.  When we get up to her, she has Bethany sit next to her and me stand (see picture below) I am pushed to the side, I am not happy, but it is still Cinderella!

We are called "The Royal Sylvester Family" technically I am not a Sylvester, but I like the sound of it!  I am apologizing to Bethany, but they just think they whole thing is hysterical and are loving it, she doesn't even care.  Charlie is looking at me and I think he final gets how much this all really means to me , Or he thinks I am completely crazy, either way I can't stop smiling"  The room was just how I had always imagined it would be, the servers all dressed in royal fashion I am on cloud nine!     Mid way through the dinner, I hear that familiar ding of the elevator, the door opens and out steps Cinderella and Prince Charming, I gasp and wave frantically at my favorite couple they wave back and it looks like she mumbles something to him, Charlie is positive she was telling him "there she is the crazy one"  we all laughed and watched her float around the room. When we left I couldn't help feel like this was the start of my happily ever after, it will always be one of my favorite memories.  

Onto the next day and Epcot oy!  Charlie loves, loves, loves Epcot and he had a whole day planned, the 4 of us however were not as enthusiastic to say the least! Looking back we all feel bad, but it doesn't change the day, we have promised him that if we every get back there again, we will all be better participators.  The day was long and he pretty much had to drag us from place to face, seeing the uninterested expressions and the occasional yawn.  He gave up, pouted and asked what "we people" wanted to do, we all had different ideas, back to the pool, shop, The presidents Hall, ice cream, and Dan said he'd stay at Epcot, always the "pleaser" to this day!   The President hall and ice cream won. 

As we waited in line, I was trying to cheer Charlie up, I think Epcot may have been his Cinderella, just saying.  I leaned in and kissed him and BAM!!!! Kicked in the leg, it hurt! Bethany looking rather pleased with herself had kicked me, I said to Charlie "did you see that, she kicked me" already not in a good mood, he grabbed Bethany by the back of her neck scolding her, and then me, people were staring and Bethany and I were both crying, I looked at her and picked her up and held her tight, telling her it would be ok, her crying made me cry more and Charlie and the boys moved away from us.  When we went to our seats, Bethany stayed with me and we held hands.  After the show, I spoke to Charlie defending, Bethany, her and I sat and had a little heart to heart, I felt like that was the turning point for my relationship with her, we had bonded. To this day we both agree that, that was the moment that changed everything.. Later that day Charlie won a big stuffed animal of the Lion King's Simba, looking at both us girls, Bethany and I decided we would share it!

Our last day at the park, the kids were able to pick a ride, at anyway park that they wanted to go on, we went back and forth and forth and back and forth, I was tired and I said to Charlie "this is just not done, we should stay at one place do all the rides and then move on, all this back and forth is crazy, I would never have been allowed to do this". Charlie laughed and said this is what they will remember, just because our parents wouldn't have done it, doesn't mean it isn't a good idea. He was right, usually is, when we talk about that trip, they remembered that, oh yeah and dinner at Cinderella's Castle.

The rest of the trip was pretty  uneventful, well except for the fact that Dan, may or may not have seen me naked, to this day we are still not sure and he will not talk about it!! The bathrooms in the condo were weird, the shower was in one part and the toilet was in another, separated by a master bedroom, I got out of the shower one night walked into the bedroom, covered only in the front by a tiny towel, and all I heard, was "um, I'm in here" I jumped against the wall, wiggled out and shut door,  got dressed quickly and yelled for Charlie, Tom and Beth came as well.  I told them what had happen, praying Dan wasn't now blind!  He came out, seemed no worse off, but pale, ah damn!!  He saw me... we figured we wouldn't make a big deal, but he always knocks nowadays.

All in all for my first trip with kids, it was a great time, we all survived! 

Changes~

So, he asked me to move to Peabody with him? What if anything did this mean?  Could I move, did I want to move?  I had lived in the same house for my entire life.  Born there, lived with my parents, moved to the 3rd floor with my first husband, which I am not sure how to clarify that, our marriage was annulled so does that mean I was living in sin? Not sure about that one.  Hopefully I wont' have to answer for that at the pearly gates someday.  After that I lived alone for a bit and then with a roommate for 6 or 7 years,  to say we had a ball would be an understatement, we by far had some of the greatest times!    We are still friends to this day!

 

As he stood in front of me, looking at me for an answer, my mind was racing.  "Yes" blurted out of my mouth, I however had one condition, I wanted to make a few cosmetic  changes.  Like I had said before I had some money saved, so I was happy to contribute to our home.  Not exactly sure when we would be moving, we had some time to plan.  I had time to calm my nerves. I think this happened in February.  Round about  May or so  we received a call that is ex-wife had found a home and would be moving in August, this would time out perfectly, as we were taking the kids to Disney, in August, which would be my first trip with children. A fact that did seem like a big deal, but it was. So she could move while we were away and that would be less traumatic for the kids.  Then we would do what we needed to do and move in a month or so  later,  perfect! 

 

As time marched on I was preoccupied with the Disney trip and all the plans for the house, I was a little over enthusiastic  to say the least, telling Bethany all the changes I was going to make, this upset her and I was asked to dial it back a little.  I was sad and so happy all at the same time.  I never stopped to think about what this all meant to the kids, I mean the boys seemed fine with everything so did Beth, but silently she was upset.  Then I went to the other extreme of not talking about it at all in front of them, I truly have no "happy-medium" I am either balls to wall or I shut down completely!  I am so much better at that now, years of therapy!  I then tired to included them in the remodel plans, that worked a little better, still being very careful with Bethany.

 

What helped me, was thinking about how things my parents did, affected me, I tired to apply that at all times dealing with the kids, sometimes it worked sometimes it was epic fail.   I tried to pick up on the little things, one time Charlie went to kiss me and the look of horror that came across Bethany's face told me this was not a good idea and they weren't ready to see their Dad kiss another woman, I playful pushed Charlie away and filled him in later.  He defaulted to me for advice in this area as he had nothing to go by.  I really wanted to do what was right and make the kids as comfortable with me as possible, I wasn't going anywhere, there was no need to rush.  

 

I had even asked Charlie if I could take them to the movies without him, give us a little bonding time.  We had allot of fun, even Bethany who was turning out to be my toughest critic, who knew?   I guess I did, I knew what it felt like, on some level I was still 8 yrs old when it came to my Dad,  I wanted his attention, to walk and hold his hand to be "daddy's little girl" always, still to this day.   I tired to think before I did things, I tired to act how I wish things were with me.  I even planed special things for just me and Bethany, I took her to get her nails done and shopping, although at that time she wasn't your typical "girly-girl" she still seemed to enjoy it and now it is one of my favorite things we still do together! 

 

Just an example in April of 1999, Bethany had told me she wanted me to take her to school one day so that I could see her school, I loved this!!!  I only worked 4 days a week, so on my day off I got up early drove to Charlie's Ex's house to find Bethany crying, she wanted her Mom to take her and felt bad I came over, I think she felt torn...so his Ex and I both took her to school and she bounced away happy. I realized that day, that whatever was going to be best for the kids I would do, well within reason. I even ended up being able to take Bethany to get her ears pierced, it was just the little things, I wanted to show her she was important, I wanted all of them to know.  Being a girl I knew it was going to the hardest for her.  I guess that is why I feel my situation growing up was going to help me and my relationship with them, fate.  

 

I didn't have much to pack, but I had never moved before, I don't think 1st floor to 3rd floor counts.  I was  trying to be supper organized , getting rid of a ton of things, Charlie was impressed and very happy I was excited about the move. The hardest part was telling my Mom, as happy as she was for me, her and I had always been together, we even worked at the same hospital. We have had some great times, I was always right there  for her and her for me. This was going to be an adjustment for both if us.  My apartment had always been my safety net, it was my home, others could come and go, piss me off and I could ask them to leave... men, friends it didn't matter I always felt secure.   My mother, took great pride in pointing this out to me, great pride.  Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mother, who has given me everything I have ever wanted or need and unconditional love.  But nothing would have made her happier than me staying with her forever!  

 

Things slowed down with the move and geared up for Disney, everyone was excited about that.... packing for 5 people, for 7 days was proving to be a bit of a challenge, but I was up for it and having fun. I suppose I should explain that when I went to Disney when I was 7, my mother and I wore matching outfits, yes matching outfits and my Dad was color coordinated with our outfits.  Yes, I was trying to do this for our trip!  I know, I know crazy!  

 

We took hand held games for the kids to play in lines so they wouldn't get bored, Charlie had done lots of research and our trip was mapped out, we were ready.  I had a feeling that Beth and I would only want to sit with Charlie just as we had at Canobie Lake last summer, so I was going to try really hard not to be a brat!   We stayed at a condo in Disney's Old Key West, I had a friend who's parents had a time-share and we got a great deal.  Yes, I had done my best to have us all in kind of matching outfits, I laid out the kids cloths everyday... by Tuesday,  I had lost control and the kids dressed themselves and I literally had a mini-melt down, I looked at Charlie and said "those aren't the outfits I put out" his reply was "who cares" I pouted.  He had to "speak" to me, I explained how things were down when I was a kid and that I had never been on vacation with kids before and I was trying to keep order, he laughed and said "wow, I never even gave that a thought, you are such a natural with them"  He explained to me that vacation needed to be fun and Disney was stressful enough without the added pressure of clothing matching, we all laugh about it now, but back then I was a freak!

 

Our trip was going great, we were having a ball but, when holding hands with Charlie, Beth would ask to be carried, yes she always wanted to sit with Charlie, once in a while me.  This time I understood more and hung back a bit and watched them together, almost making me cry, happy tears I loved them all and I loved who he was as a father.

 

Charlie did something so wonderful for me, he booked a dinner at Cinderella's Castle!  I was beyond thrilled, I mean being a princess myself, it was perfect.  Little back story, also growing up my mother read to me every night the only story I wanted to hear was Cinderella, I wanted to be Cinderella, technically I was every year for Halloween until I was oh 30!  My room was all decorated like Cinderella's castle, I had it all , everything baby blue and silver and I had a canopy bed, I also had silver slippers and a tiara I wore everywhere! I loved it.   This dinner was so special to me however, the events that unfolded no one was ready for. 

 

Call me Crazy~

So the summer went along smoothly,  we celebrated our 1yr anniversary, me meeting the kids, I meet his ex-wife, things were great,  Except for that little nagging voice in the back of my head that thanks to my Mom got louder and louder every day.  I should let you all know that I have a kept a journal over the years, actually since I was about 15 yrs old, so that is how I remember things and what I didn't write in it I ask Charlie or the kids they have been a great help and I enjoy listening to them tell stories of the "good ole days".  The other night Charlie and I went on a date, we do that once a week sometimes more now that kids are older and gone off to college or working.  I get all dressed up so does he, well as much as he dresses up he is a T-shirt kinda guy, so he puts on a collared shirt and cologne for me, so cute. I needed help with a few things because the time lines seemed so quick, I was sure I had written things wrong, I did not..  It didn't seem so quick then and maybe it really isn't, but looking back, we meet in 1997, moved in together in 1998, moved to Peabody together in 1999, got engaged in 2000 and married in 2001, crazy!   We talked about the early stages of our relationship how easy and simple things had been.  I was having a hard time remembering a few dates so he was helping me, talking about it all was fun and it made us both realize just how lucky we have been.

Anyway, the fall came the kids went back to school, weekends got busy with bowling and homework and just the general routine.  It got a little harder.  In the beginning Charlie's wrist had been broken so he was out of work for a while and he had been staying with me, so we had all the time in the world together.   Now I had meet the kids, he was back to work, we didn't live together anymore and we were busy.   There were so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn't want to push, not just for him but for me.  I thought daily about taken on the responsibility of someone else's children and ex-husband, I mean I had an ex, but we didn't have kids and we were young and stupid and hurt each other for no reason.  What was this going to be like?  Would his Ex like me?  I had a problem, I needed for people to like me, I would do things to make sure they did.. Obnoxious, yes.  Have I changed yes.  This however at this time was a big concern.  I think I  let it consume my thoughts and it was affecting how I was acting,   This is were both Charlie and I are fuzzy we think it was early October, we went into Boston for dinner and it was strained, the good thing was we above all else were always able to talk and communicate really well.   So he wanted to know what I was thinking but wasn't saying....to this day he might be a little sorry he asked that questions, lol.  The flood gates opened and every rational or irrational thought I had since that conversation with my mother came out, I couldn't stop, I brought up marriage, love, living together (again) his divorce, the kids schedules, what my role would be, I went on and on and on, I think at some point I even started to cry.  He took my hand looked at me and said it, "I love you" I gasped.....this was not how I wanted to hear those words, in the middle of a break down, am I doing this really???  Trying to stop my head for wanting the "soap-opera" version of those 3 words, I smiled and said it back.  We ate the rest of our meal in silence.  One the subway ride home at first we were quite, thinking about all that I had said, what he said.  Finally we talked, he is so level headed and reassuring that I felt myself relax and no matter what I knew it would all be ok.  He said, he didn't want to get married and I agreed that I didn't either.  He knew he did love me, but was that enough, it hadn't been for him before and he didn't want to be hurt again.  I agreed but already felt he was trying to be a better man a better father, which for me made me love him more.   He was broken to some point and I had been as well, we were good for each other,  more than love, we needed each other.  We choose to keep it light and just have fun!  I could live with this (for now) the voice in my head was telling me I wanted more, but I knew how to keep her silent.......well at least for a while, my Mom, well...that was going to be tough.

I think it was sometime in November his divorce/mediation began and I asked him to move back in he did, I was happy.  In my head still crazy, but that was fading as I was enjoying every moment with him and the kids.  When they stayed with us on weekends at my apartment, it was just the 5 of us, we played video games, watched movies, it was like the outside world didn't exist, at least I liked to pretend it didn't.  His kids were so easy to love and funny, I was falling hard and fast.

One night Charlie came home from a Mediation session and said to me "how do you feel about moving to Peabody" so it begins..........

Our little world~

I was so happy, happier than I had ever been.  I loved this man, he made me laugh, he accepted me for who I was, I meant enough to him for him to introduce me into the lives of his children.  We were having a great summer, sleepovers, movies, Saturday's at our friends pool it was great. I felt part of something, a family they all made it so easy. 

One day we made plans to go to the beach, I was going to meet them all as my Mom needed a ride later in the day so I was going to leave early.  We went to Nahant with kites, buckets, shovels, balls, umbrellas, sunscreen and we even packed drinks and a lunch, this was odd to me who needed this much stuff? For me it was towel, chair, lotion, book, radio..... ah the simple things.  Well, Charlie told me when you go to the beach with kids you need to bring things to entertain them.  Um?  Okay, this is the day I learned Charlie prepares for everything! He makes list, double checks them gets as much as he can ready the night before.  sidenote: nowadays, I make a list and I love how prepared he is.

In my mind, I am laughing and thinking he is crazy, then again I have NEVER been to the beach with kids before, maybe once, maybe.   We were ready and off to the beach we went.  I think it took a 1/2hr or so to get everything to our spot and settled.  I positioned my chair perfectly to the sun and I sat down, lotion on, bring on the tan.  seconds, later voices yell "come to the water" "lets fly kites" "can we look for shells?" I am thinking what is this?  The beach is for relaxing.... seeing the panic on my face Charlie takes my hand and says "this is what a day at the beach is like with kids, glad you came?"  I smiles, I was!  We had a great day of  playing in waves laughing talking, teasing it was fun.  I didn't care that I didn't get to sit in the sun, I liked playing games and digging  a big hole and covering the kids in sand...then it was my turn...boy, did I have sand everywhere, but I was happy.

It came time for me to leave, I had to go get my Mom, the kids were sad I had to go.  I packed up the few things I had laughing that my simple days at the beach might just be behind me for a while.   Walking back to my car, not sure what made me stop and look back I was pretty far, but I could see Charlie and the boys and they seemed frantic..... I looked in front of me on the beach by a life guard station and there she was in her little pink and yellow bathing suit, crying trying to get the life guards attention.  I dropped everything and began to run to her, calling her name "Bethany" she looked and she began to run to me, she lept into my arms crying and holding on for dear life.  I was walking back towards Charlie calling out to him he finally saw me and came running with the boys.  Beth then lept from me to him.  She had been chasing seagulls and lost her way.  He was relived I had seen her, so was I.  Walking back to where I dropped everything which luckily enough a little old couple walking along had seen me, and Beth and they stayed with my things until I came back, I was very grateful. 

Looking back again I see them all Beth holding her Dads hand and the boys running in a circle around them.  I smile and feel such a sense of contentment.  I had something pretty special here.  I picked up my Mom, late and filled her in on the days events.... she says "your gonna make a good stepmom".  Stop it I say, I am not ready for that, we have only been dating a year.   He's not divorced yet, I don't want to get married again, do I?  Amazing how our parents can say the simplest thing to us and it sends our minds in a gazillion  directions, or maybe that is just my Mom.

 Later that night I find out this isn't the first run in with seagulls Beth has had, poor thing.  She gave me a big hug the next time she saw me, and told me all about how she was lost and then she heard me calling her, I loved that it was me that found her, I loved her. 

The summer went on with lots of fun and beach days and I found myself looking forward to every moment.  I was scared as hell as well.  What if this didn't work.  Gosh I would loose them all.  This was different than any relationship I had been in.  Was my mother right? Would I be a good stepmother?  What did that mean? What did a stepmom do?  I mean I had one, but they lived in California and my parents didn't get along so me spending time with them was never an option.  Did Charlie want to get married again, Christ he wasn't divorced yet, we hadn't even talked like that.  We didn't even say "I love you", well I did...epic fail never to be said again! Well, he was gonna say it first, this time! I didn't want to get remarried, or did I?   Yup, one little conversation with my Mom and I had gone off the deep end!

I needed some time with Andrea, my best friend, she would help always does. Even to this day she keeps me sane.   We went out and talked and I felt better although she agreed I was putting my heart out there for a potential crush.

Moving right along~

So, with the first meeting under my belt, feeling pretty confident and secure in our relationship.  We were now able to spend more and more time together and Charlie began including me in plans with the kids, very casually.  If they made plans to go to the beach, or a movie Charlie would suggest " hey lets call Lisa. see if she wants to come"  of course I was ready and able to go, we thought we were out smarting them but years later we found out they had us figured out!  He had the kids almost every weekend so it was great that I could now be included. It could only add to what we were building.

Not only was a falling more in love with Charlie, but now the 3 kids had captured my heart in a way I never thought  possible.  They were like a breathe of fresh air, always happy always full of stories and energy, I loved being around all of them.  I admired Charlie so much for his dedication to his children, no matter what they always came first!  This was okay with me, I think it made me love him even more.  My parents got divorced when I was 8.  My Mom made it difficult for my Dad to see me and he gave up,  I missed him, he missed out on so much in my life.  She blamed him, he blamed her, in the end I suffered because of it.  We have all talked through it....my Dad and I are closer now, at times when I am with him I feel like I am 8yrs old all over again and I want him all to myself!  I am also lucky to have a stepmother and a sister that I adore.  I wish we all had more time together, but we make the best with what we do have.  Facebook has been great for really keeping in touch.  With my family history I guess that worked to Charlie's benefit..it is what I wished I had with my Dad.  I was never going to "whine" about him spending time with the kids, not that Charlie would have ever dated anyone that was like that.  Sometimes as corny as it seems, I think t was fate that brought us all together. 

I was having a ball getting to know the kids.  It was adding so much to my life.  Maybe this was my plan, maybe I was meant to be with Charlie and his kids.  We did all sorts of thing together, the relationships were easy.  Bethany was a little tough to get close to she was like me wanted her Daddy all to herself, I got that on a rational level, but my heart somethimes acted like I was 8! I needed to get my emotions under control, I was being silly.  

This is a picture from Canobie Lake ~ It became clear to me on that day at Canobie Lake Park, that Bethany was going  to be a challenge. We were all having a great time!  One of Charlie's friends and his niece and nephew came with us and because I liked all the rides I was a big hit! I was trying to spend most of my time with Bethany, look at her, she is so cute!  Ever time we got in line for a ride she would ask to sit with her Daddy, I would give in and move back.  This did not make me happy, I tired a different approach I would ask to sit with her. She would say"yes" but as we got closer she would change her mind.  Dan would offer to sit with me, Tom wasn't a big fan of rides back then.  He liked the games.  Either way I never got to sit with Charlie, can you hear the pouty child in my voice.  It was a long day and near the end the kids were running ahead of us and Charlie and I strolled along holding hands.  Bethany stopped and looking back turned around and said "Daddy I am tired can you carry me"  He did.. I pouted again she looked back at me and stuck out her tongue....what? Oh this little one was good.  I wanted to talk to Charlie but how was it going to sound.."your daughter stuck her tongue out at me", he would talk to her and she would resent me.  I need to be the grown up I was supposed to be!  I igonored it.   Little girls loved me, she would as well...maybe not today, but she would.  I would make sure of it, Charlie was worth it and quite frankly so was she!  I tired to put myself in her shoes, it was pretty easy... I was her 23yrs ago... I am sure I did some of the same things to my stepmother!  Overall feeling great about how the day went Charlie asked the kids if they wanted to stay at my apartment that night, I was very very nervous about this.  Charlie and I had talked about it, we had talked about him moving back in eventually and getting the kids used to the idea.  I was worried about what they would think, him sleeping in my room...I didn't want to upset them, thinking of how it made me feel back then I probably over thought the whole thing.  They all wanted to.  We had a great night watching movies, we got pizza and when  it came time for bed theY settled on the sofa and in sleeping bags and we just went to my room, no one said anything... yup, I worried too much.   A few years ago Danny and I talked about that first sleep over and I asked him what he tought and he very logically said, "where else was he gonna sleep, we had the sofa that was the only bed" simple no explanation.  All that worring I did for nothing.

It's the little things~

Something a little different today.  Today I must say was a great day!  My week has been crazy, work, visiting Mom and I had family over and a Patriots preseason game to go to.  I was looking forward to the week also thinking how I was going to get everything else I needed to do done.  On Monday rushing from work to see my Mom and in my head thinking about what I was going to make for dinner, I stopped to take a deep breathe and regroup before I walked into her room.  Our visit started off the usual way, "how was your day Mom?" She says "ok" she asks me if work was busy. We make small talk, mostly becasue we talk 3 or 4 times during the day.  She calls every morning at about 7:15am just to tell me she loves me, I look forward to that call everyday.

I can tell something is different today she seems sad.  Do I dare ask? She has a hard time speaking these days and when I have to ask her to repeat herself  I can see the frustration or her face.  I worry about the day she won't be able to speak anymore and really pray it never comes.  I can't leave knowing something might be wrong so I move in close, tell her to speak slow and I ask what's wrong?  I am not prepared for what she said next. She said, "I am so sad I will never see the beach or the moon again" she tears up a little and I take her hand. I say sorry for all she is going through.

Over the past year, I have tired to find a balance between work, home, friends and Mom.  Some times I have felt like I have it all under control, other times I feel like I fail.  I am so lucky to have Charlie and the kids, they have all gone over and above to help with everything. I am not sure they will ever know how much I love and appreciate them.  For me, I have been dealing with the state, insurance companies, attorneys, and some less than caring family, keeping it all from my Mom no need to have her worry.   My main focus was making her comfortable and making sure she had what she needed.  I guess I was also feeling sorry for myself, how hard this was on me.  Never even stopped to  thinking about the little things she had lost. 

At that moment I knew that Friday we were going to the beach.  I didn't say anything to her just in case something came up.   I got home Monday and shared the story with Charlie he agreed I should do whatever possible to make that happen.  Tuesday, I over slept I was late for work and my day was long.  Rushing I went to see my Mom who was also having a "bad day" no particular reason.  Leaving there I was looking forward to some quite time at home, Charlie was working, that meant take-out!! No cooking, yippee!   I got home and did a few things, hung out with the boys and before I knew it, it was 10:30!!  I went to bed and had a horrible dream, that was the first time I woke up.  Them I heard the rain and thunder and knew right then I wasn't getting much sleep.  My cell phone rang at 11:20, funny how he knows so well that I would be awake.  He wanted to tell me about an e-mail, something that added stress to both our day.  We talked for a while and we both felt better.  I fell back asleep, at midnight I woke up again, having a "funny feeling" about one of the kids... Tom was home, Dan wasn't, Bethany as far as I knew was at her Mom's. I talked with Tom for a bit, he reminds me of Charlie so much, he was great at calming me down. I must say I real enjoyed our talk.  I felt better and went back to bed, I did ask him to have Danny check in with me.  I layed there awake thinking, Dan finally checked in at 12:20ish, laughing at me, I felt better knowing he was home. But I was still not able to sleep lying awake thinking about everything!  At 1:09am, I heard a noise, I opened my bedroom door to see Beth in her room crying.  She had a terrible ride in the rain and was pretty upset.  I stayed up with her until she calmed down, about 2am.  Needless to say at 5:30am when the alarm went off, I was not ready for the day.

Wednesday went by pretty quick for being as tired as I was.  I went to visit Mom. I was rushing my visit as I was in a hurry to get home, our niece was comming at 6:30 and we were all heading out.  I was looking forward to  family time! I was also feeling a bit guilty, I  knew I wouldn't see Mom Thursday, cause I was going to the PATS game, and yes I was tired and talking myself out of the beach on Friday and opting for sleep.

Wednesday night was great, we had a bal.  Second wind kicked in and I was drinking, laughing and having fun.  We got back to the house and all sat in the kitchen, more drinks and talking and laughing.  I must say times like these truely are some of my favorite.  In my head I was still wavering on the Friday beach.  Sleep was looking so good.  Plus boy, did I have laundry to do!  I had to get up a little early Thursday Charlie was leaving for his golf weekend and I needed to pack for him before I left for work and I had my things to get ready for the PATS game, as I was leaving right from work...thinking about it was making me exhausted! (yes, I can be a drama queen)

Thursday was a stressful day at work and rather than get up early, I had over slept. Got Charlie packed, but I forgot some things I wanted to bring to the PATS game. Even though I was running late, I was going to miss Charlie and lingered at home for a little longer, late again.  I was also annoyed at myself cause I was letting an e-mail Charlie got from his ex bother me. It was a long day and I think part of me was hoping my friend would cancel. She didn't, I knew we would have fun, so I really was glad to go.    Driving to her house my mood was better, but in my head I was not getting up Friday, we would do it another time.   2hrs in traffic lots of  girl tak and advice and we arrived at Gillette, I felt my spirt lift.    This was gonna be a good night! we had fun!  Geting home at 11:30, ready for bed! But  Bethany came in and we began talking, then Dan came in we stayed up til 12:45ish.  They knew about my beach plan and Dan said he would come to the beach with us and Bethany wanted to go but she had to work, I was tired. YUP beach was definetly canceled. I would do it another time.

Friday, I forget to shut the alarm off and it goes off at 5:30, what??  I shut it off and roll over, I start to think about all the scarfies my Mom made for me over the years, was my sleep really more important than taking her to the beach?  I was trying to fall  back alseep, with so mcuh going through my mind that was not going to happen.  At 8am I got up, started laundry and got myself together and called my Mom.  I said "hey, wanna go to the beach?" She said "really, yeah."  I went to wake up Dan, but he didn't move and I think deep down I wanted to do this alone.  I picked her up and she told everyone she was off to the beach.  Convertible top down off we went.   We stoped and got tea and a donut. I was pleasntly surprised that I didn't have to pay to park at Devereux beach, although it would have been worth it!   We got to the picnic bench and she sat and looked up and smiled, like I have not seen in a long time. She told me she wanted to walk to the water, I got her up, held her tight and we walked, I could see people looking at us, I could see the sadness they felt for us.  She stopped as we got closer to the water and she began to cry, so did I. We stood there crying, I looked up at the water, the sound of the waves her tears, my tears.. at that moment nothing else mattered, I knew what was really important in life, the stress of the week seemed to almost lift off me, it was something I had never felt. I was so happy to be able to do this with her.   We just sat there in silence listening to waves, holding hands, it was a bitter sweet moment that I will cherish forever and I feeling I hope I can hold onto.  I am so happy I din't give into my week.  We stayed for an 1hr 1/2 and for the first time in a long time, she seemed happy.  I took her back got her settled gave her a kiss and when I went to leave she said, "Thank you, I love you so much Lisa".....I said I love you Mom.

I think in life we are given opportunities to grow and change and become better people.  I think caring for my dying mother has changed me, I feel like I am a better person, don't get me wrong I back slide sometimes.  But days like today remind what is really about, the little things.  

The Bonkers night and Bethany's mall take of me~

In my blog "wanna meet the kids" I told you all a story of a run-in at the mall with Charlie and the kids, I gave you my point of view and I told you of the story Bethany wrote about the same unofficial meeting, before I shared it, I just want to check with her, she said it was fine to share .....so here it is! Hysterical!
Bethany's take~
A year after my Mom and Dad announced the divorce; I was out with my Dad getting our weekly lunch at the North Shore Mall. I sat with my brothers and my friend Kelly, eating my chicken nugget Happy Meal in the food court. I joked and laughed with my brothers as we all played with our toys we got from McDonalds. Every once in a while, I would look around the busy mall and watch hectic shoppers rush by me. As I looked up, I see my Dad wave to a woman from across the food court. The woman walked over and hugged my Dad. My brothers and I watched in confusion as my Dad hugged and talked with this stranger. My Dad looks over to us smiling and yells over the noise of the mall: “Hey guys! I want you to meet someone!” The stranger strutted her stuff as she walked over to introduce herself. She was a little larger woman, with a great smile and expensive clothes. She had all the confidence in the world, but all I noticed was her 80’s hair and obnoxious red lipstick. “Kids, this is my friend Lisa,” said my Dad. “Hey guys, how are you?! It’s really nice to finally meet you!” This woman spoke like my brothers and I were some sort of celebrities. She was over-excited and continued to be over perky and over complimented everything about us. Not impressed, I continued to play with my Happy Meal toy and simply replied, “Hi.” She stayed and talked with my Dad and his friend for a few more minutes, and I glared at her for, what felt like, hours. I watched her every move and how she stared at my Dad and giggled like a little girl at everything he said. I knew that Lisa was not just my Dad’s "friend"
Back to the blog~
Even now, years later to read this makes me chuckle, she was dead-on...so perceptive at such a young age.
So the official meeting came in late February early March 1998, Charlie and I talked about it, my parents being divorced I remembered meeting my stepmother and feeling strange and unease.  I didn't want that for Charlie's kids.  I came up with the idea to bring my Goddaughter she was a year younger than Bethany and adored me, so I though perfect ice breaker.  We picked BONKERS as a good neutral meeting spot, get some pizza, play some video games just have some fun!  The time and the place set.  My nerves not so much, I was a bundle of worry. I loved this man, what if his kids didn't like me what did that mean for our relationship. Charlie's kids were/are so important to him.  Kids could smell phony a mile away, I had to go easy, be myself but not too much.   I've been told I can be a  little over the top( I don't see it) I try so hard to have people like me.  Some might consider that a flaw, I don't.  As the day approached I was filled with doubt.   He was still married, I can't even remember if they had started the divorce process, so was opening myself up to getting attached to the kids as well and not having this work?  I had to look at it as another life experience that would help me learn and grow.  Nothing in life is a guarantee so I had to take a leap of faith.

So on the drive there I talked to my goddaughter about being nice and having fun and making her auntie Lisa seem like the best!  The actual "hey guys" was great, I introduced Lexi (whom years later I found out was incredible mean to Bethany, Bethany and I laugh about it now) off the kids went to play, we had pizza told stories joked around with the boys.  Beth was pretty quite and for me little girls loved me, so this was gonna be harder than I thought.  The boys were so easy and I had been most nervous about them.  Dan was eager to please doing little tricks on things and always with a big smile, Tom was smart, very smart and liked to explain how certain games worked and how to beat them.  Beth was shy and holding onto to her Daddy, I got that "Daddy's little girl" All this so new to her, I know that confusion.  I lived it, I couldn't try to hard it would make it worse.  I understood more than she knew.  31 at the time and I still wanted my parents back together, now at 45 I still want them together. I know it isn't or never was possible but I still wanted it.  I think it is a girl thing.

The night overall was fun and I enjoyed meeting them so much.  At the end of the night Dan gave me a hug and I loved him for that.  Charlie went in for a quick kiss goodbye and I pulled away fast, the look of terror that arose on Beth's face was enough to tell me to go slow, no one was ready for that.    After I dropped Lexi off I went home and cried, it was a very emotional night.  I was head over heels for this great guy.  To me the past 8 1/2 months felt like he was 2 people my boyfriend and their Dad, the lives where separate and safe for both of us.  Now what?  Could this work?  Could I take on the responsibility of 3 kids?  Charlie had his kids as much as he could, his Ex worked alot, he was with kids everyday. Now that I meet them would I see them everyday as well?  These and a gazillion question kept me up most of that night.  Woman!! We worry about everything before it even happens.   Baby steps, no "I love you" yet no divorce yet...keep it light Lisa, keep it light!

some good news ~

Before I start my blog, I need to share some excitement.... The first 7 chapters of the book have been reviewed and accepted, some minor corrections..mostly because I am not a writer, but I can live with it.
Constructive criticism is always welcome. How else does one become a better person~

Also, finally our kitchen project will start. We finished the bathroom a few months ago and I must say..it is my dream bathroom and although my husband likes to complain that we went way over or budget,(which we have learned we were way off.) He even admits it is favorite room in the house.  They will be starting next week with my farmers porch!!  I am so happy this will be first, original they though it would be last.  I already have my furniture and I can't wait to have my first glass of wine on my new porch.  Then they will do the new back landing and new french doors entrance to the house, then siding for the house nice beige, love it I let Charlie pick the outside color, I had to give him something!  Then the inside demolition begins, I have had so much fun picking cabinets, counter tops, new fixtures, paint... I have been dying to do this since I moved in!!

Little background,  the house is Charlie's childhood home, he moved out when he got married and a few years later an in-law apartment was done in the basement his parents moved down and he moved back with his wife and 2 boys.  Going through the mediation process for his divorce it became clear that because his parents still lived in the home, the best solution would be for Charlie to buy her out of the house.   He then asked me to move with him, I had been saving for a house of my own for a few years, so it seemed perfect.  I just asked that I take my savings and do some cosmetic things to make the house my own.  He agreed, I did and from the day I moved in 9/15/99 it has always felt like mine.

He was very happy that I wanted to go with him and loved all the changes I made He told me I made it feel like a home for him for the first time since he was a child.  Anyways getting ahead of the story.  It always has felt like my home, but lets just say once the changes are done, it truly will be my dream home.

Wanna meet the kids?

Anyways, time moved forward with no "I love you" from Charlie, but we were growing closer and closer and his actions spoke louder than those 3 words.  My time lines are fuzzy but somewhere mid to end February I was at the mall on a Saturday afternoon with some friends and while walking past the food court, I saw him.  Charlie was there with his friend and his daughter and Charlie's 3 kids, there was really no avoiding him so I walked over to say hello.  It was awkward and I was trying to be very friendly, the boys said hi and went about eating their fries, his daughter looking over the top of her glasses, said nothing!  the encounter lasted all of 10mins but felt like hours, days, years.  I made my escape and thought this will be harder than I thought.  A few years ago Bethany wrote a story about "Family" for school, she actually mentions the above meeting and her take is pretty funny, I am going to ask her if I can share her story so you may see it later in the blog. 

Then one night when Charlie was at his soon to be ex-wife's house with the kids, she came home from work and they had a conversation about the kids meeting the "significant others".  Then he and I had a conversation about it, he wanted to know if I was ready for that, if it was what I wanted.  Of course I loved him, and the few brief encounters I had, had with the kids I was already smitten by them.  They were adorable and very easy going kids.   I asked him to let me think about it,  this was a big step.  Growing up I wanted 5 kids, I couldn't wait to be a mother, OK so getting ahead of myself  he just asked me to meet them, but obviously I had to think about what this meant for me.

If our relationship was going to continue I did have to think about the undertaking, it wasn't just him, I was going to be in a relationship with his children. 

I had never been closer to a man, he was everything I had ever wanted,  at times our relationship was so simple.  Adding the children would change this.  At this time he was still pretty close to his soon to be ex-wife, it was different, their whole divorce was different.  It wasn't nasty, I am not gonna speak too much about their relationship/divorce as it isn't my place and I respect that.  Truth be told I only know Charlie's side of the story so it really wouldn't be fair anyway.  I know he was torn at staying friendly with her, but life, parenting styles, and our relationship was getting in the way at times.  Somewhere down the road it became my fault that their friendship ended, I am okay with taking the blame.

What did being a stepmother mean, they weren't my kids, what would my role be?  Could I handle sharing my relationship with Charlie, with them? Would they like me? Would his ex-wife like me?  These and a million other question swirled around in my head.   No one grows up thinking "hey can't wait to be a stepmother" and no woman going through a divorce thinks "hey, can't wait to share my kids with the other woman" again, all he asked me to do was meet them.  I needed to relax enjoy what was happening and figure the rest out along the way.