Is this my new normal?

I am moved in, I have new friends, my old friends as well, but if I want to see them I need to go to Lynn, which works cause my Mom is still  there. We had a great routine worked out,  we had the kids alot, we wanted it that way and it worked out .  We had them pretty much every Thursday after school until Sunday nights, there was the random weekend they were with their Mom and I usually made my plans to see friends then.  It was perfect, we had it all.

 

On Sunday's my Mom came over and Charlie's parents came up and we had a big Sunday family dinner, sometimes I felt like I was playing house.   Like I was watching someone else do all of this. This wasn't me, Sunday's were for sleeping late, eating pizza and watching football and in the summer for sleeping off a hangover on the beach.  Now I was in my own home, I had 3 kids, I loved cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids and laundry, when did this happen?  I really did enjoy it so much, so did Charlie.  For him I think it made his life seem a little back to normal, it was hard for him not to wake up with the kids everyday, so it was the little things.  If I had learned nothing I learned that the kids  would always come first, I was a close second but they were and always will be his main priority.  I was good with this, having divorced parents myself I understood this and respected him and loved more because of it. 

 

 I think for me not being able to have children, it made me appreciate his children all that much more.  All I had ever wanted was to be a Mom, I wanted 5 kids.  Honestly, meeting Charlie and being part of his life and his children's lives was the next best thing and the best thing that ever happened to me. It still is!  Even now, the relationships I/we have with the kids is what I had always dreamt it would be. Well, they really aren't kids anymore they are 20, 22 and almost 24.   Jeez, it has been an amazing journey and it is an incredible feeling knowing I had a little something to do with the adults they have become. It is a good feeling when Beth calls for advice on men, fashion, or friendships, or just to talk, I used to try to hard and Charlie always told me "less is more", he was right!  It all came around. Some of my  favorite times are my talks with Dan, he has a lot of wisdom for 22, I find myself the most open and closet to him.  I enjoy a healthy competition with Tom, both of us like to be right!!  When we all go out to trivia with him and a group of friends and our friends, everyone is amazed how smart he is and I love to watch him and Charlie debate and sort out the right answer.  We also have a little football pool between me, Charlie and Tom, nothing makes me happier than beating him and Charlie, so far I am 5-3, I think it kills them.....they think I cheat, they think I take whatever the ESPN reporters pick, I mean I do look at what they pick But I make up my own mind. Maybe.

 

Charlie and I talked about marriage and  trying to have a child, at that point I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. 

 

After several miscarriages and an ananencephalic pregnancy during my first marriage, I was told I had a 2% chance of ever carrying to term or having a viable healthy pregnancy at 23 no one is able to really comprehend this information.  Still after talking it over with Charlie and my doctors and having some genetic testing done without positive results we made the decision that another child was not in the cards for us however being a little older and somewhat jaded I was able to grasp the information better. Charlie was so supportive and I know in his heart he would have tired if I really wanted to, but he had 3 healthy happy children, he was done. I am sure he was somewhat relived that the choice was taken out of our hands.  When I was 23, everyone from family, friends Priest and strangers told me God had another plan for me. Telling a woman who all her life wanted 5 children this seemed like the most ludicrous thing I had ever heard!  Now being told again, I sit and cry with Charlie, he looks and says well, "my kids love you and they need you" "already you have opened your heart to them and given them so much".  At that moment I thought hum? Is this what I was meant for, I mean if I had children with my Ex, we may have stayed married, but even if we didn't I would not have been out "trolling" for a husband at softball fields,or even open to dating a man with kids, so maybe this was my plan.   I do like to believe in fate and it makes me feel better to think all 4 of them where my destiny.

 I truly had it all, I mean I missed the whole bonding and giving birth experience, but I had the next best thing.  I had an instant family.  I was helping raise, guide and make my own special bond with his 3 children, I was lucky they were great kids and very easy to love. I had my time with the kids and Charlie as a family, yet Charlie and I still had plenty of couple time and  with his schedule on the fire department I had time to myself.  It was perfect, I didn't need a ring or piece of paper that wasn't going to change what we had.  I already loved the kids as if they were my own, we have a few  friends that have often told me they could not have done what I have done with someone else's children  to me it was the most natural thing in the world.  I am not sure Charlie would have had it any other way.  Whomever he was going to be with needed to understand that or it was never going to work and for me I would not have had it any other way.

 

We were surviving the holiday rush and got the news that his EX had gotten engaged.  Around the same time mutual friends of ours whom had been together just as long as us asked us out to dinner, us ladies where chatting and talking about marriage and she and I had, had the same school of thought we didn't need to do it again or so I thought a few days later her and I are talking as she had read in the paper of an 86 old man passing away and it said "survived by long-time-companion" at that moment she said that will be us.  I thought oh God that is awful, I don't want to be "long time companion, I want to be "his wife" she said so do I.  Let it be said that although they are still together, they have not gotten married yet! For me,  I mean if I was going to get married again Charlie was perfect. He was my soul mate in every way possible.  I then started thinking why didn't he want to marry me? This kind of thinking can drive anyone crazy, since I didn't far to go this just about put me over the edge. 

 

New Year' Eve 1999, I thought this was the perfect time to discuss our future, it was going to be  2000, a new decade. Right after midnight I said to him, "I think we should get married" his reply: "Lisa, I need a computer for the business, this to me was the "I  love you", thank you all over again.  Really?? A computer? Wow.  Ok, so I guess I knew where we stood, so now what?   I had stop, I could drive myself crazy with this, and the timing I didn't need him to think just because his Ex got engaged that I now need too. It was that damn obituary!  I felt my best course of action was to ignore the whole thing.  2/14/200, out to dinner for valentine's day and meeting friends for drinks, on this day of love one of his buddies thought this would be a great time to ask us when we where getting married,I mean it had been 2 1/2yrs. I replied with a straight face, "oh, no Charlie needs a computer, that would be a little big for my finger" A silence feel over the room. I guess I wasn't as funny as I thought.  It then became the running joke, but one night I said to him, I really want to get married again and I want it to be to you, but if you're not ready or won't be ready I understand but I should go.  He said he really didn't know if he wanted to be that vunerable  ever again, I got that, I had been there. It had been years for me.  Charlie and I started dating a few days after he had moved out.  I knew he need time but I was ready.  We talked and talked and I said I am not going anywhere tomorrow.  I guess the next day was ground hog day, because we both put the "talk" behind us and moved on.  We joked from time to time but I need to let it go.  I would give it another year, I didn't tell him, I just kept it in the back of my mind, Charlie was and is not one to do something just because you want him to.  I knew how much he loved me, I knew how happy I made him and he made me and the kids, they had added so much to my life, would I really just go? 

  

 

Moved In~

So, move in was a success, I pretty much had everything unpacked and set up in 2 days, it looked like I had always lived there.  I had gone food shopping and filled the fridge and cabinet with after school goodies for the kids. It was very natural to me, weird, but natural. The one problem I was having was all my friends from Lynn thought Peabody was the other side of the world!  Things changed, no longer did I have the security of my little apartment, friends, my mom.I felt isolated,  the kids were back in their "home" the street with all their friends, Charlie had projects around the house, his neighborhood friends and his parents.  It was hard for me,  I was having a hard time adjusting. I felt a little lost, especially driving, I knew Lynn like the back of my hand, Peabody past Lynn Street I was lost!   My first time driving the kids to school, which was only a few blocks away from our home,  I got lost, I could see the school I just couldn't get there, we laugh about it now, but that day I was freaking out.  What had I done? 

 

 When the kids stayed at my apartment on weekends, we did everything together, video games, movies just lots of quality time together, it was just the 5 of us. Even when it was just Charlie and I, there was no outside world in my little apartment.   Now everyone had lives, well everyone except me.  I didn't have new friends, not that I would have a problem making friends, it was just weird for me. It didn't dawn on me before hand because I was so caught up in the excitement of falling in love with all 4 of them and a home and moving, I never stopped to think about the fact that I was moving away from everything familiar,  into another woman's house, a life she had made a home friends, the place her children called home, and always would.  Everyone in the neighborhood knew her, what were they thinking about me?  It bothered me.  So now on top of feeling alone I had added guilt to the mix, this was for sure my mother's doing. I am surprised my mother didn't think of that and point it out to me before I ever agreed to move. I found myself wondering how I never thought of it.  Ok, so now what, I could let myself get consumed by these thoughts and run~that wasn't me.  After all I had nothing to do with the events that lead to Charlie's divorce or him moving back to the home.  I made myself stop thinking about all of it, this was my home now, it represented me, Charlie and the life we wanted to build together,  any indication of any other life there was gone. 

 

 Dan and Beth were still at the Carroll school and Thomas went to school in Beverly and we all took turns getting him after school, he was also part of a car pool which those parents lived closer to us. So since it was easier they were at our home every afternoon after school.  Right after the move I  was on vacation, but even when I went back to work I was home by 2:30 everyday even if I was a little late, Charlie's parents lived right downstairs and their Mom worked at a Nursing facility at the end of our street. She would pick them up on her way home from work, so for now it worked for everyone.  I must admit there where days when all I wanted was an afternoon nap,or to sit and watch General Hospital, as much as I loved the kids this was a big lifestyle change for me.  What was good about it, was it gave me a chance to meet people in the neighborhood, at that time all the kids in the neighborhood where about the same age and the Moms would be outside while the kids played. Everyone was warm and welcoming and very happy to see Charlie back in the neighborhood, this was easy, I was fitting right in.  Our neighbor 2 doors down was a hairdresser and my life long hairdresser was moving to the South Shore, it seemed the perfect time to make the change.  From what I could tell she was the social director of the street.  Her and I hit it off, along with our neighbor behind us.  Our neighbor behind us over the years has become one of my best friends and someone I admire and love spending time with, plus she gives great advice!  Thanks K~  Our other neighbor 2 doors down moved away a few years later, I miss her! The owners that purchased the house have quickly picked up the torch as the party planners.   However I just found out our old neighbors are moving back and I am very excited!!!

 

After a few weeks, I was now a fixture and to all around me,  it seemed like I had always been a part of the group.  We did lots together, they had a great Halloween party and lots of pot luck dinners and just weekend get together.  It was so much fun and lots of laughs. I was funny and engaging and everyone really liked me!   I was now a part of a family and a community.  I loved my life, the kids, my home.  What had I been worried about?   If I am honest with myself I admit at times I felt  like I was having an "outer body experience", like I had left my body and I hovered above watching myself, cook, clean, take care of 3 little ones, that needed me. I felt like such a grown up.  It was weird to me, at times now it still is....I often wonder when I became this grown up?     

My move~

OK, so when I left off before I talked about Charlie's Dad, we had just gotten back from Disney and drooped the kids off at their new home and I was excited to go to my new home!  Yes, Charlie and I had a home.  I was excited to start the painting, decorating, cleaning, organizing projects, we had 1 month to get it done and move in!  We were so busy with everything the month flew by and I found myself terrified to move.  I was lucky Charlie was the great guy he is, he put all my fears to rest.  He had the patience of a saint, as I had backed out several times, and tired to start a fights with him, he laughed at me and told me my fear was "cute", really??  love that man.

I woke up on 9/15/99, feeling like it was the first day of the rest of my life.  The moving company arrived and one by one boxes where carried out until everything was gone.  I stood in the kitchen of my apartment, my safety net for all those years, so many memories, so many good times, I was happy and sad, excited and lost all at the same time.  Charlie had already left with the movers, my Mom came in and told me it was all going to be ok, she would be fine alone, yes folks there it is, the guilt.  At that moment I was happy to go!  As I drove to my new home, I was making notes in my head of what I wanted to get done that day.  I wanted to set up the kitchen and our bedroom.  Then I would do the kids rooms, I had taken a weeks vacation and would have it all done. 

We had moved some things in before hand so some stuff was in place and I was busy unpacking and decorating time just flew, the kids arrived after school and I had baked cookies, for those of you who know me, you know this was no easy task and something I had never done, I was in awe of myself.  As I watched them do homework, eat cookies and head out with friends, I was overwhelmed, it felt like I had stepped into someone else's life, this wasn't me.  I mean it was what I had always wanted, but I wasn't sure what to do with it all now that I had it.

The kids left, we finished a few things and we headed off to bed in our new home together.  This so far was the happiest day of my life!  I had a home with  the man I loved, his 3 children I loved  and I was ready to embark on a wonderful journey~  

Life Changes~

Yes, the phone call was the Doctor, confirming that Charlie's dad in fact had pancreatic cancer, they thought that when he had been hospitalized original and the diagnosis of Diabetes was given, that in fact at that time it was his pancreatic

I watched Charlie on the phone the  slump of his shoulders and the color drain from his face, I knew.  All I could hear was Charlie saying "okay, okay" "yes, where do we go from here?" how long?"  my heart was breaking, I sat and made small talk with his Dad, he just wanted to go home.  Charlie hung up the phone and then had to tell his Dad the bad news, he took his hand and said "Dad, I'm sorry, but the doctor was right you have cancer"  His Dad said "anything they can do" Charlie said "No Dad" he said, "okay then lets go home"

We drove home in silence taking it all in, as we pulled in the driveway, Charlie said "you ok Dad"? His Dad looked at him and said "we'll at least I got to see the Red Sox win the World Series", for him it was as simple as that, such a gentle man, he just took the information in stride.

We got Charlie's Dad settled and went upstairs, at the same time we both began to cry, at this point I had only seen Charlie cry on most Christmas's eve/mornings, he always missed the kids and it was hard for him,  he hadn't shared those times with the kids since his divorce.  To see him cry is so  hard for me,  I told him we needed to talk to the kids, we called Thomas who was away at school and we told Dan and Bethany then we called other family members, and friends.  Strangely this I was good at, I had to do it when I lost my son at 7 months and when I found out I couldn't have children, I found the strength then and I would find it now.  Goes without saying it was the longest night, neither Charlie or I slept a wink.

The next morning, I took his blood sugar, it was off the chart high, probably from the drink he had for the Ultrasound, I put a call into Dr. Taylor who called me back, sounding very sad, Joe had been his patient for years.  He told me I no longer needed to check his blood sugar and

Joe could have what ever he wanted to eat or drink, at this point with his diagnosis and life expectancy it didn't matter, I just said "oh" and to be honest I think it was truly at that moment that I realized what was actually happening.  I got the kids off to school and Charlie and I took Joe to visit Fran and out to lunch, it was a good day.  His Sister came down the next day and we all talked,  On Monday Hospice was set up to come to the house to evaluate and offer us help and guidance.  I must say that the staff from Hospice and the Kaplan House staff were some of the most amazing people I have ever meet...... We took care of Joe at home for about a week and a half before the level of care he needed became more than we could give him.  One Friday morning I found him on the floor, his legs had given out and he could no longer walk.  On Sunday he was admitted to the Kaplan Hospice house.   We took Fran to see him that Tuesday, he took one look at her and said "there is the love of my life" they held hands for a while said their goodbyes, he sat up and gave her a kiss, sadly Joe passed away the next day with Me, Charlie and Francine at his side.  All our lives have been forever changed.  there is so much more that happened during those 2 weeks, it made me a better person, a better wife, it brought Charlie and I so much closer, which I didn't think was possible.  I learned so much from Joe in the short time he was in my life and I carry it with me to this day. 

Now we can move forward with the rest of my journey...thanks for letting me share~