Home from Disney~

We had a great time in Disney, I however was excited heading home!  Bringing the kids to their new house and then I wanted to head over to "our" home, I was beyond excited.  I was still I bit apprehensive, I mean I was giving up my safety net and what if this didn't work, I wasn't normally one to take risks this was uncharted territory for me.  The whole plane ride home that was all I could think about, we dropped the kids off, they were excited to see their new home.  Their Mom moving while we were away definitely made the transition much easier for them.  We said our goodbyes and heading "home."

 

Charlie's parents lived in the in-law apartment in our basement, since I had always lived in a 3 family this wasn't a big deal for me, I was happy to have someone there with me, I had never really lived completely alone and since Charlie worked 2 overnights a week and kids would be with their Mom at times, it was perfect.  I loved Charlie's parents his Dad was and forever will be one of the kindest, thoughtful and most caring men I have ever meet!  He made me feel right at home, his Mom was ill, she had Parkinson's disease his Dad took wonderful care of her and I am sure it was a big relief to his Dad that Charlie would be moving back, although even when we lived together he was over to see his parents/kids just about ever day.  Charlie always says all his "good" qualities came from his Dad.  I think Charlie was glad that I didn't mind his parent living there, with his Mom being sick he wanted us to be able to help out and give his Dad a break.  I was more than happy to do that. 

 

Going off track and jumping ahead a little as I feel it is important to talk about this.  It was very hard on Charlie's Dad taking care of his Mom, from what I've been told she was a wonderful woman but very very set in her ways, independent and a little demanding.  When I meet her she was well into her disease and not the woman she had once been.   They loved to travel and once she got sick it was hard for them to continue to do this.  I must say watching his Dad with her, the compassion and patience he had was beyond anything I had ever witnessed before.  After 10yrs or so of him taking care of her at home, it just became too much, even with our help. Eventually, she had to be placed in a nursing home, it was a very difficult decision and when it came down to it, it was Charlie that ended up making the decision for his Dad along with his sister.  Charlie's Dad went to the nursing home everyday like clock work 10am he left got his coffee and a treat for Fran and at 4pm he was back home, it was sad to see he was lost with her. He did go out with friends on occasion and came upstairs for meals with us once in a while, and on nights Charlie worked he and I  got take out, I loved spending time with him, we would talk for hours, well I would talk. he would listen.  In all our conversation, he never had a bad word to say about anyone!   He was also a very generous man, when Charlie would go away with his buddies for his golf weekend, his Dad would always sneak up to the kitchen and leave me some money, when I would ask he would say "wasn't me" we both knew it was.  

 

Early in 2005 it became clear to us that his Dad had the begin signs of Alzheimer's, first the doctor told us he could no longer drive, that I think was the hardest part, Charlie's aunt was a huge help taking him to see Fran.  I only worked 4 days a week so I was able to help also and Charlie who worked 2 jobs scheduled things so that he could take his dad also, Charlie sister came down on weekends and helped out as well.   We had a good little schedule going.  One night in the begin of June, Charlie was at the station, the kids and I went out to eat and when we got home Dan and I went downstairs to see Joe, he hadn't been feeling well for a few days he thought he had a cold, that nigh the  didn't look good to me at all.  I had been making suggestion all week he give his doctor a call and get checked out, he shrugged it off and since he was my elder who was I to argue.  That night I insisted we go to the ER and I called Charlie to come home and bring him, I didn't want  leave the kids alone.  Turns out his blood sugar was 57, yeah not good!   We knew he was diabetic, but it was diet controlled and we had been keeping an eye on it, apparently not a good one.  He was admitted to the hospital and then a week or so later he was able to come home, but  now he would need insulin shots twice daily, with the Alzheimer's progressing he was not going to be able to do this himself so Charlie and I learned how to give him the shots, mix the N and the R if needed,  and how to check his blood sugar.  I was terrified of needles and looking back I am sorta impressed with myself that I was able to over-come this fear and take care him.  Of course over the short time since he had come into my life, he had been like a farther to me. I am not sure anyone, even Charlie realized how close we had become.  His dad  came home, we were set up with visiting nurses to help us, this turned out to be more of a hassle than anything else, except the weekend nurse Sue, she was amazing!  We had arranged to meet with them and go over all the specifics and set up a schedule for us, Charlie's sister and the nurses that would come help us.  Sadly the visiting nurses turned out to be a huge disappointment, it was someone different each day and they didn't seem to share information. They didn't understand his Dad couldn't do the shots himself and seems annoyed with us.  Needless to say it was not a helpful experience, except for the weekends. there was no consistency during the week and we had to explain things over and over like it was the first time.   Finally one Friday the nurse spoke to me in such a condescending manor, I lost my mind and let her and the entire system have it!!!  I called managers, directors and anyone else who would listen, I was done and was not going to be treated this way by anyone, especially people who were there to help me.   We ended up hiring a nurse privately to come once a day to check on him and we rearranged our schedules to make it work.  At that time, my Mother also got sick and I was feeling very overwhelmed.  Charlie and I went food shopping one night for us, his Dad and my Mom, trying to take his Dads diabetic needs into consideration, it was challenging we had 2 carriages and a basket and I stopped in the middle of the isle and began to cry, I wasn't sure I could do all this, I was feeling sorry for myself and everyone involved.  Then Charlie teared up and began to hug me and tell me it all would be ok, we could do this, we could do anything together, we stood there in aile 5 of Shaw's for what seemed like forever, crying and hugging.  Taking care of 3 sick parents was not easy, but he was right we had each other and we were a pretty good team.  To this day he is still helping me with my Mom.  I would be lost without his love and support.

 

Early August on a Wednesday night, my Mom had surgery that day and I was taking care of her, Charlie's sister had come down to take care of his Dad and Charlie was at the station, I got a frantic call from Tommy that Joe wasn't doing good and I needed to get home.  When I arrived it was like 100 degrees int he house and Joe was upstairs and his sister had shut the Ac's off, Joe didn't really like ac, he had a small fan and downstairs was much cooler.  He didn't look good, I took his blood sugar it was high, very high, but also he was having  terrible abdominal pain.  We called an ambulance and all hell broke loose.  It started to rain, I mean epic rain.  Ambulance and police arrived and then over the scanner, we heard that E5 (Charlie's truck) at a brush fire had been struck by lighting, this shit only happens to me!  The cop in the way Tommy and Charlie's sister pacing, the phone ringing, I was about to loose my mind again!  I can laugh about it now, but boy that was not a fun night and I still had to go back and check on my Mom.  I called Charlie and he was about to call me, he heard the dispatch to our home, The EM T's had found a lump in Joe's groin area and felt he needed to go the hospital, I couldn't go I had to get back to my Mom, Charlie's sister was going, but not sure how long she could stay, so I needed for Charlie to leave work and meet them Beverly hospital, turns out he had an inguinal hernia wraped around his small intestine and would need emergency surgery.  Charlie spent the night at the hospital, they weren't sure how it would go because of all the medication Joe took.  He did great and spent a few days in the hospital and then Rehab at Rosewood Nursing home, which is how I discovered the place and my Mom ened up there 5yrs later, maybe everything does happen for a reason. 

 

Charlie's sister was spending time with his Mom and we were taking care of Joe, who honestly when he first came home from the rehab seemed great!  I was feeling encouraged and my Mom seemed a bit better, we were all managing. 

 

Fast forward a few months to October, and 3 more surgeries for my Mom, and they still didn't know where she was bleeding from.   Joe didn't look good to us. I had been taking him to most of his regular check-ups with the doctor and taking my Mom to hers, I had Fridays off and it worked. I just seemed to handle it better, plus I wanted to take some of the burden off of Charlie and since I was able, I did.  We had seen a decline in Joe over the past few weeks and we were having a hard time keeping his blood surgars accurate, I called the Doctor and he wanted to see him.  That day, I felt Charlie needed to go, I am not sure why, it was just a feeling I had, turns out I was right.    I called him gave him the time, it was a Thursday so I would pick up the kids and meet him at home.  I was drivng home with the kids and they were telling stories of there week, when my cell phone rang, it was Charlie, he asked where I was, I told him I was driving with the kids, he told me to pull over for a minute.  Turns out the doctor was sure Joe had pancreatic cancer, as Chalire says "the doc walked in looked at dad and turned and said I think he has cancer" as matter of fact as that.  They were send him for an ultrasound later that night, but sending him home for a bit to drink the drinks.  I tired really hard to just say "ok" I didn't want to upset the kids.  Luckily they never asked..we drove home and I waited for Charlie and Joe.  Joe was not happy about the drinks and I am not sure he fully understood what was going on.  I went with them back to the hospital, trying to keep our concern from the kids wasn't easy, they were old enough to know somwhing was wrong.   He had the test, we waited, they put us on the phone with the Doctor, me being in the medical field knew right away this wasn't good news.

Changes Part 2~ Disney Days

As we walk towards Cinderella's castle, I could barely contain my excitement.  I have a smile across my face,  that even if I wanted to I am not sure I could make it go away. The kids are laughing, they can't believe how excited I am.  We walk in and tell the royal hostess we are there for our 5:30 reservation.  The great room is filled with people and I am in awe of how beautiful the setting is, I sit and listen to the names being called and everyone is announced as "The Royal Family" I can't wait!  Bethany sits on my lap and we are all chatting, the elevator dings and out walks the Fairy godmother, she is saying hello and greeting everyone, Charlie says "look Lis, look who it is" I clearly don't care.  Another ding and Prince Charming walks out, although I am with the real Prince Charming, I  smile, I am impatiently waiting  to go up stairs, I can't wait to see Cinderella and tell her how much I love her, yeah I know she isn't real, but for me she was. I was 8 and my parents were getting divorced, she made me smile, I clung to her story of "happily ever after", it gave me hope, silly as it seems, it got me through a very difficult time.  Talking with Bethany and the boys, I am thinking that it doesn't get better than this, the elevator dings again, there she is, in all her glory, more beautiful than I ever imagined, without a thought in my head I stand, Bethany falling of my lap and slides across the marble floor, I look but it doesn't really register, I am now running to get to the front of the line, hip checking little girls as I go, okay, not my proudest moment but I have lost all rational thought at this point, I am 8 and I am going to meet Cinderella.  The look on the character's face should have told me to slow down, although smiling she had a look of "what is this crazy woman doing" by this time Bethany had gotten up and the 4 of them were hysterical laughing a little of OMG mixed in and and trying to pretend they did not know me. 

I get to her and try to explain how she has impacted my life in such a profound way , she is nodding and saying "that's nice dear" trying to move me along, I however won't be rushed, this is my moment.  Good God, over the years I have listened to Charlie and the kids repeat this story, funny as it is, I wonder why he did not walk but run away hop on a plane home and never look back.  As things settle down she stands near the fireplace and you can line up for pictures, YES by God I am getting a picture.  Not gonna lie,  I went to Disney with my girlfriends a few years before this and I waited in line for 1 hour to get my picture with Cinderella.  My friends walked past me several times, they also pretended not to know me!

The line begins to form and I am talking to little girls who are also very excited and a little apprehensive  towards me, the only  "grown-up"  in the line.  Not a care in the world, I wait, at this point I ask Beth to join me, she does and so do the boys.  When we get up to her, she has Bethany sit next to her and me stand (see picture below) I am pushed to the side, I am not happy, but it is still Cinderella!

We are called "The Royal Sylvester Family" technically I am not a Sylvester, but I like the sound of it!  I am apologizing to Bethany, but they just think they whole thing is hysterical and are loving it, she doesn't even care.  Charlie is looking at me and I think he final gets how much this all really means to me , Or he thinks I am completely crazy, either way I can't stop smiling"  The room was just how I had always imagined it would be, the servers all dressed in royal fashion I am on cloud nine!     Mid way through the dinner, I hear that familiar ding of the elevator, the door opens and out steps Cinderella and Prince Charming, I gasp and wave frantically at my favorite couple they wave back and it looks like she mumbles something to him, Charlie is positive she was telling him "there she is the crazy one"  we all laughed and watched her float around the room. When we left I couldn't help feel like this was the start of my happily ever after, it will always be one of my favorite memories.  

Onto the next day and Epcot oy!  Charlie loves, loves, loves Epcot and he had a whole day planned, the 4 of us however were not as enthusiastic to say the least! Looking back we all feel bad, but it doesn't change the day, we have promised him that if we every get back there again, we will all be better participators.  The day was long and he pretty much had to drag us from place to face, seeing the uninterested expressions and the occasional yawn.  He gave up, pouted and asked what "we people" wanted to do, we all had different ideas, back to the pool, shop, The presidents Hall, ice cream, and Dan said he'd stay at Epcot, always the "pleaser" to this day!   The President hall and ice cream won. 

As we waited in line, I was trying to cheer Charlie up, I think Epcot may have been his Cinderella, just saying.  I leaned in and kissed him and BAM!!!! Kicked in the leg, it hurt! Bethany looking rather pleased with herself had kicked me, I said to Charlie "did you see that, she kicked me" already not in a good mood, he grabbed Bethany by the back of her neck scolding her, and then me, people were staring and Bethany and I were both crying, I looked at her and picked her up and held her tight, telling her it would be ok, her crying made me cry more and Charlie and the boys moved away from us.  When we went to our seats, Bethany stayed with me and we held hands.  After the show, I spoke to Charlie defending, Bethany, her and I sat and had a little heart to heart, I felt like that was the turning point for my relationship with her, we had bonded. To this day we both agree that, that was the moment that changed everything.. Later that day Charlie won a big stuffed animal of the Lion King's Simba, looking at both us girls, Bethany and I decided we would share it!

Our last day at the park, the kids were able to pick a ride, at anyway park that they wanted to go on, we went back and forth and forth and back and forth, I was tired and I said to Charlie "this is just not done, we should stay at one place do all the rides and then move on, all this back and forth is crazy, I would never have been allowed to do this". Charlie laughed and said this is what they will remember, just because our parents wouldn't have done it, doesn't mean it isn't a good idea. He was right, usually is, when we talk about that trip, they remembered that, oh yeah and dinner at Cinderella's Castle.

The rest of the trip was pretty  uneventful, well except for the fact that Dan, may or may not have seen me naked, to this day we are still not sure and he will not talk about it!! The bathrooms in the condo were weird, the shower was in one part and the toilet was in another, separated by a master bedroom, I got out of the shower one night walked into the bedroom, covered only in the front by a tiny towel, and all I heard, was "um, I'm in here" I jumped against the wall, wiggled out and shut door,  got dressed quickly and yelled for Charlie, Tom and Beth came as well.  I told them what had happen, praying Dan wasn't now blind!  He came out, seemed no worse off, but pale, ah damn!!  He saw me... we figured we wouldn't make a big deal, but he always knocks nowadays.

All in all for my first trip with kids, it was a great time, we all survived! 

Changes~

So, he asked me to move to Peabody with him? What if anything did this mean?  Could I move, did I want to move?  I had lived in the same house for my entire life.  Born there, lived with my parents, moved to the 3rd floor with my first husband, which I am not sure how to clarify that, our marriage was annulled so does that mean I was living in sin? Not sure about that one.  Hopefully I wont' have to answer for that at the pearly gates someday.  After that I lived alone for a bit and then with a roommate for 6 or 7 years,  to say we had a ball would be an understatement, we by far had some of the greatest times!    We are still friends to this day!

 

As he stood in front of me, looking at me for an answer, my mind was racing.  "Yes" blurted out of my mouth, I however had one condition, I wanted to make a few cosmetic  changes.  Like I had said before I had some money saved, so I was happy to contribute to our home.  Not exactly sure when we would be moving, we had some time to plan.  I had time to calm my nerves. I think this happened in February.  Round about  May or so  we received a call that is ex-wife had found a home and would be moving in August, this would time out perfectly, as we were taking the kids to Disney, in August, which would be my first trip with children. A fact that did seem like a big deal, but it was. So she could move while we were away and that would be less traumatic for the kids.  Then we would do what we needed to do and move in a month or so  later,  perfect! 

 

As time marched on I was preoccupied with the Disney trip and all the plans for the house, I was a little over enthusiastic  to say the least, telling Bethany all the changes I was going to make, this upset her and I was asked to dial it back a little.  I was sad and so happy all at the same time.  I never stopped to think about what this all meant to the kids, I mean the boys seemed fine with everything so did Beth, but silently she was upset.  Then I went to the other extreme of not talking about it at all in front of them, I truly have no "happy-medium" I am either balls to wall or I shut down completely!  I am so much better at that now, years of therapy!  I then tired to included them in the remodel plans, that worked a little better, still being very careful with Bethany.

 

What helped me, was thinking about how things my parents did, affected me, I tired to apply that at all times dealing with the kids, sometimes it worked sometimes it was epic fail.   I tried to pick up on the little things, one time Charlie went to kiss me and the look of horror that came across Bethany's face told me this was not a good idea and they weren't ready to see their Dad kiss another woman, I playful pushed Charlie away and filled him in later.  He defaulted to me for advice in this area as he had nothing to go by.  I really wanted to do what was right and make the kids as comfortable with me as possible, I wasn't going anywhere, there was no need to rush.  

 

I had even asked Charlie if I could take them to the movies without him, give us a little bonding time.  We had allot of fun, even Bethany who was turning out to be my toughest critic, who knew?   I guess I did, I knew what it felt like, on some level I was still 8 yrs old when it came to my Dad,  I wanted his attention, to walk and hold his hand to be "daddy's little girl" always, still to this day.   I tired to think before I did things, I tired to act how I wish things were with me.  I even planed special things for just me and Bethany, I took her to get her nails done and shopping, although at that time she wasn't your typical "girly-girl" she still seemed to enjoy it and now it is one of my favorite things we still do together! 

 

Just an example in April of 1999, Bethany had told me she wanted me to take her to school one day so that I could see her school, I loved this!!!  I only worked 4 days a week, so on my day off I got up early drove to Charlie's Ex's house to find Bethany crying, she wanted her Mom to take her and felt bad I came over, I think she felt torn...so his Ex and I both took her to school and she bounced away happy. I realized that day, that whatever was going to be best for the kids I would do, well within reason. I even ended up being able to take Bethany to get her ears pierced, it was just the little things, I wanted to show her she was important, I wanted all of them to know.  Being a girl I knew it was going to the hardest for her.  I guess that is why I feel my situation growing up was going to help me and my relationship with them, fate.  

 

I didn't have much to pack, but I had never moved before, I don't think 1st floor to 3rd floor counts.  I was  trying to be supper organized , getting rid of a ton of things, Charlie was impressed and very happy I was excited about the move. The hardest part was telling my Mom, as happy as she was for me, her and I had always been together, we even worked at the same hospital. We have had some great times, I was always right there  for her and her for me. This was going to be an adjustment for both if us.  My apartment had always been my safety net, it was my home, others could come and go, piss me off and I could ask them to leave... men, friends it didn't matter I always felt secure.   My mother, took great pride in pointing this out to me, great pride.  Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mother, who has given me everything I have ever wanted or need and unconditional love.  But nothing would have made her happier than me staying with her forever!  

 

Things slowed down with the move and geared up for Disney, everyone was excited about that.... packing for 5 people, for 7 days was proving to be a bit of a challenge, but I was up for it and having fun. I suppose I should explain that when I went to Disney when I was 7, my mother and I wore matching outfits, yes matching outfits and my Dad was color coordinated with our outfits.  Yes, I was trying to do this for our trip!  I know, I know crazy!  

 

We took hand held games for the kids to play in lines so they wouldn't get bored, Charlie had done lots of research and our trip was mapped out, we were ready.  I had a feeling that Beth and I would only want to sit with Charlie just as we had at Canobie Lake last summer, so I was going to try really hard not to be a brat!   We stayed at a condo in Disney's Old Key West, I had a friend who's parents had a time-share and we got a great deal.  Yes, I had done my best to have us all in kind of matching outfits, I laid out the kids cloths everyday... by Tuesday,  I had lost control and the kids dressed themselves and I literally had a mini-melt down, I looked at Charlie and said "those aren't the outfits I put out" his reply was "who cares" I pouted.  He had to "speak" to me, I explained how things were down when I was a kid and that I had never been on vacation with kids before and I was trying to keep order, he laughed and said "wow, I never even gave that a thought, you are such a natural with them"  He explained to me that vacation needed to be fun and Disney was stressful enough without the added pressure of clothing matching, we all laugh about it now, but back then I was a freak!

 

Our trip was going great, we were having a ball but, when holding hands with Charlie, Beth would ask to be carried, yes she always wanted to sit with Charlie, once in a while me.  This time I understood more and hung back a bit and watched them together, almost making me cry, happy tears I loved them all and I loved who he was as a father.

 

Charlie did something so wonderful for me, he booked a dinner at Cinderella's Castle!  I was beyond thrilled, I mean being a princess myself, it was perfect.  Little back story, also growing up my mother read to me every night the only story I wanted to hear was Cinderella, I wanted to be Cinderella, technically I was every year for Halloween until I was oh 30!  My room was all decorated like Cinderella's castle, I had it all , everything baby blue and silver and I had a canopy bed, I also had silver slippers and a tiara I wore everywhere! I loved it.   This dinner was so special to me however, the events that unfolded no one was ready for. 

 

Call me Crazy~

So the summer went along smoothly,  we celebrated our 1yr anniversary, me meeting the kids, I meet his ex-wife, things were great,  Except for that little nagging voice in the back of my head that thanks to my Mom got louder and louder every day.  I should let you all know that I have a kept a journal over the years, actually since I was about 15 yrs old, so that is how I remember things and what I didn't write in it I ask Charlie or the kids they have been a great help and I enjoy listening to them tell stories of the "good ole days".  The other night Charlie and I went on a date, we do that once a week sometimes more now that kids are older and gone off to college or working.  I get all dressed up so does he, well as much as he dresses up he is a T-shirt kinda guy, so he puts on a collared shirt and cologne for me, so cute. I needed help with a few things because the time lines seemed so quick, I was sure I had written things wrong, I did not..  It didn't seem so quick then and maybe it really isn't, but looking back, we meet in 1997, moved in together in 1998, moved to Peabody together in 1999, got engaged in 2000 and married in 2001, crazy!   We talked about the early stages of our relationship how easy and simple things had been.  I was having a hard time remembering a few dates so he was helping me, talking about it all was fun and it made us both realize just how lucky we have been.

Anyway, the fall came the kids went back to school, weekends got busy with bowling and homework and just the general routine.  It got a little harder.  In the beginning Charlie's wrist had been broken so he was out of work for a while and he had been staying with me, so we had all the time in the world together.   Now I had meet the kids, he was back to work, we didn't live together anymore and we were busy.   There were so many questions I wanted to ask but I didn't want to push, not just for him but for me.  I thought daily about taken on the responsibility of someone else's children and ex-husband, I mean I had an ex, but we didn't have kids and we were young and stupid and hurt each other for no reason.  What was this going to be like?  Would his Ex like me?  I had a problem, I needed for people to like me, I would do things to make sure they did.. Obnoxious, yes.  Have I changed yes.  This however at this time was a big concern.  I think I  let it consume my thoughts and it was affecting how I was acting,   This is were both Charlie and I are fuzzy we think it was early October, we went into Boston for dinner and it was strained, the good thing was we above all else were always able to talk and communicate really well.   So he wanted to know what I was thinking but wasn't saying....to this day he might be a little sorry he asked that questions, lol.  The flood gates opened and every rational or irrational thought I had since that conversation with my mother came out, I couldn't stop, I brought up marriage, love, living together (again) his divorce, the kids schedules, what my role would be, I went on and on and on, I think at some point I even started to cry.  He took my hand looked at me and said it, "I love you" I gasped.....this was not how I wanted to hear those words, in the middle of a break down, am I doing this really???  Trying to stop my head for wanting the "soap-opera" version of those 3 words, I smiled and said it back.  We ate the rest of our meal in silence.  One the subway ride home at first we were quite, thinking about all that I had said, what he said.  Finally we talked, he is so level headed and reassuring that I felt myself relax and no matter what I knew it would all be ok.  He said, he didn't want to get married and I agreed that I didn't either.  He knew he did love me, but was that enough, it hadn't been for him before and he didn't want to be hurt again.  I agreed but already felt he was trying to be a better man a better father, which for me made me love him more.   He was broken to some point and I had been as well, we were good for each other,  more than love, we needed each other.  We choose to keep it light and just have fun!  I could live with this (for now) the voice in my head was telling me I wanted more, but I knew how to keep her silent.......well at least for a while, my Mom, well...that was going to be tough.

I think it was sometime in November his divorce/mediation began and I asked him to move back in he did, I was happy.  In my head still crazy, but that was fading as I was enjoying every moment with him and the kids.  When they stayed with us on weekends at my apartment, it was just the 5 of us, we played video games, watched movies, it was like the outside world didn't exist, at least I liked to pretend it didn't.  His kids were so easy to love and funny, I was falling hard and fast.

One night Charlie came home from a Mediation session and said to me "how do you feel about moving to Peabody" so it begins..........