It's the little things~

Something a little different today.  Today I must say was a great day!  My week has been crazy, work, visiting Mom and I had family over and a Patriots preseason game to go to.  I was looking forward to the week also thinking how I was going to get everything else I needed to do done.  On Monday rushing from work to see my Mom and in my head thinking about what I was going to make for dinner, I stopped to take a deep breathe and regroup before I walked into her room.  Our visit started off the usual way, "how was your day Mom?" She says "ok" she asks me if work was busy. We make small talk, mostly becasue we talk 3 or 4 times during the day.  She calls every morning at about 7:15am just to tell me she loves me, I look forward to that call everyday.

I can tell something is different today she seems sad.  Do I dare ask? She has a hard time speaking these days and when I have to ask her to repeat herself  I can see the frustration or her face.  I worry about the day she won't be able to speak anymore and really pray it never comes.  I can't leave knowing something might be wrong so I move in close, tell her to speak slow and I ask what's wrong?  I am not prepared for what she said next. She said, "I am so sad I will never see the beach or the moon again" she tears up a little and I take her hand. I say sorry for all she is going through.

Over the past year, I have tired to find a balance between work, home, friends and Mom.  Some times I have felt like I have it all under control, other times I feel like I fail.  I am so lucky to have Charlie and the kids, they have all gone over and above to help with everything. I am not sure they will ever know how much I love and appreciate them.  For me, I have been dealing with the state, insurance companies, attorneys, and some less than caring family, keeping it all from my Mom no need to have her worry.   My main focus was making her comfortable and making sure she had what she needed.  I guess I was also feeling sorry for myself, how hard this was on me.  Never even stopped to  thinking about the little things she had lost. 

At that moment I knew that Friday we were going to the beach.  I didn't say anything to her just in case something came up.   I got home Monday and shared the story with Charlie he agreed I should do whatever possible to make that happen.  Tuesday, I over slept I was late for work and my day was long.  Rushing I went to see my Mom who was also having a "bad day" no particular reason.  Leaving there I was looking forward to some quite time at home, Charlie was working, that meant take-out!! No cooking, yippee!   I got home and did a few things, hung out with the boys and before I knew it, it was 10:30!!  I went to bed and had a horrible dream, that was the first time I woke up.  Them I heard the rain and thunder and knew right then I wasn't getting much sleep.  My cell phone rang at 11:20, funny how he knows so well that I would be awake.  He wanted to tell me about an e-mail, something that added stress to both our day.  We talked for a while and we both felt better.  I fell back asleep, at midnight I woke up again, having a "funny feeling" about one of the kids... Tom was home, Dan wasn't, Bethany as far as I knew was at her Mom's. I talked with Tom for a bit, he reminds me of Charlie so much, he was great at calming me down. I must say I real enjoyed our talk.  I felt better and went back to bed, I did ask him to have Danny check in with me.  I layed there awake thinking, Dan finally checked in at 12:20ish, laughing at me, I felt better knowing he was home. But I was still not able to sleep lying awake thinking about everything!  At 1:09am, I heard a noise, I opened my bedroom door to see Beth in her room crying.  She had a terrible ride in the rain and was pretty upset.  I stayed up with her until she calmed down, about 2am.  Needless to say at 5:30am when the alarm went off, I was not ready for the day.

Wednesday went by pretty quick for being as tired as I was.  I went to visit Mom. I was rushing my visit as I was in a hurry to get home, our niece was comming at 6:30 and we were all heading out.  I was looking forward to  family time! I was also feeling a bit guilty, I  knew I wouldn't see Mom Thursday, cause I was going to the PATS game, and yes I was tired and talking myself out of the beach on Friday and opting for sleep.

Wednesday night was great, we had a bal.  Second wind kicked in and I was drinking, laughing and having fun.  We got back to the house and all sat in the kitchen, more drinks and talking and laughing.  I must say times like these truely are some of my favorite.  In my head I was still wavering on the Friday beach.  Sleep was looking so good.  Plus boy, did I have laundry to do!  I had to get up a little early Thursday Charlie was leaving for his golf weekend and I needed to pack for him before I left for work and I had my things to get ready for the PATS game, as I was leaving right from work...thinking about it was making me exhausted! (yes, I can be a drama queen)

Thursday was a stressful day at work and rather than get up early, I had over slept. Got Charlie packed, but I forgot some things I wanted to bring to the PATS game. Even though I was running late, I was going to miss Charlie and lingered at home for a little longer, late again.  I was also annoyed at myself cause I was letting an e-mail Charlie got from his ex bother me. It was a long day and I think part of me was hoping my friend would cancel. She didn't, I knew we would have fun, so I really was glad to go.    Driving to her house my mood was better, but in my head I was not getting up Friday, we would do it another time.   2hrs in traffic lots of  girl tak and advice and we arrived at Gillette, I felt my spirt lift.    This was gonna be a good night! we had fun!  Geting home at 11:30, ready for bed! But  Bethany came in and we began talking, then Dan came in we stayed up til 12:45ish.  They knew about my beach plan and Dan said he would come to the beach with us and Bethany wanted to go but she had to work, I was tired. YUP beach was definetly canceled. I would do it another time.

Friday, I forget to shut the alarm off and it goes off at 5:30, what??  I shut it off and roll over, I start to think about all the scarfies my Mom made for me over the years, was my sleep really more important than taking her to the beach?  I was trying to fall  back alseep, with so mcuh going through my mind that was not going to happen.  At 8am I got up, started laundry and got myself together and called my Mom.  I said "hey, wanna go to the beach?" She said "really, yeah."  I went to wake up Dan, but he didn't move and I think deep down I wanted to do this alone.  I picked her up and she told everyone she was off to the beach.  Convertible top down off we went.   We stoped and got tea and a donut. I was pleasntly surprised that I didn't have to pay to park at Devereux beach, although it would have been worth it!   We got to the picnic bench and she sat and looked up and smiled, like I have not seen in a long time. She told me she wanted to walk to the water, I got her up, held her tight and we walked, I could see people looking at us, I could see the sadness they felt for us.  She stopped as we got closer to the water and she began to cry, so did I. We stood there crying, I looked up at the water, the sound of the waves her tears, my tears.. at that moment nothing else mattered, I knew what was really important in life, the stress of the week seemed to almost lift off me, it was something I had never felt. I was so happy to be able to do this with her.   We just sat there in silence listening to waves, holding hands, it was a bitter sweet moment that I will cherish forever and I feeling I hope I can hold onto.  I am so happy I din't give into my week.  We stayed for an 1hr 1/2 and for the first time in a long time, she seemed happy.  I took her back got her settled gave her a kiss and when I went to leave she said, "Thank you, I love you so much Lisa".....I said I love you Mom.

I think in life we are given opportunities to grow and change and become better people.  I think caring for my dying mother has changed me, I feel like I am a better person, don't get me wrong I back slide sometimes.  But days like today remind what is really about, the little things.